Bound
by biddlediddle
Summary: Once Makoto and Haruka have graduated high school, Haruka disappears from Makoto's life without a trace. Five years later, he comes back. Eventual MakoHaru.
1. Saturday

"It wasn't so bad, at first."

Makoto looked over to Haruka, who held a styrofoam cup of hot tea firmly with both hands. Steam wafted gently in the air before blowing away in a gust. They sat on a park bench and the November air was chilly.

Makoto remembered Haruka as reticent, but that was nothing compared to this – _taciturnity_. They had sat in silence for twenty minutes on this bench before Haruka had offered up any hint of why he'd contacted Makoto, out of the blue.

Haruka was quiet again for a long while, but Makoto didn't prompt him, preferring to see where Haruka would take the conversation on his own.

"I found you on Facebook," Haruka changed the subject abruptly. "You shouldn't have your real name and email available so publicly. It's dangerous."

Makoto blinked, bemused. "It makes it easier," he said. "You wouldn't have found me if I hadn't."

"Anyone could have," Haruka insisted.

"I suppose," Makoto conceded. He wondered at this paranoia. "Did you email me just to tell me not to leave my name online, though?"

"No," Haruka shook his head, but did not elaborate. He seemed to be struggling with himself, but Makoto was patient. Three years teaching kindergarteners had elevated his patience to an art form.

"No, I didn't," he said abruptly. "Rin and I – we –" His voice trailed off quietly, and this time it was obvious he was warring with himself to continue. Makoto did not force the issue, taking a sip instead of his own coffee. It was already late afternoon; he would not sleep well.

"We split up," he ended the thought, but Makoto did not react. There was a raw sort of anguish to Haruka's voice that still held a painful power for Makoto.

"Why?" Makoto asked, surprisingly proud of the evenness to his tone; he _was_ rattled. His own war of emotions was taking place, now: pain for Haruka's pain, loneliness for the past several years, anger –

He clamped down on those, hard, and listened.

"I was saying," Haruka took a deep breath. "It wasn't so bad. When we moved in together. After high school, when you – left, for university…" his thoughts were disjointed but Makoto had always been able to piece together the storyline behind them. He still had that ability, rusty. "Rin went to university – he was accepted onto a swimming team on scholarship – I didn't want to swim competitively, anymore."

Makoto nodded; he knew all of this.

"So I supported him, at first. The scholarship paid his tuition and some things, but not everything. I had a job…" the look in Haruka's eyes was faraway, and Makoto wondered what all of his thoughts were. "It… was good, at first. But leaving Iwatobi was – hard, and you…" Haruka paused again and closed his eyes, looking down at the tea: it no longer steamed in the cool air. "And everyone, actually… though I didn't think it at first." He sipped from the Styrofoam cup. "But mostly you."

_Haruka… why now? _Makoto thought. _It's been years since I've even seen you, let alone let myself think of this… _He shivered despite the thick sweater he wore, but Haruka didn't notice, intent on his cup. Makoto had to bite back a smile – both at his old friend, and at the easy return of old habits. They died hard.

"It was difficult?" Makoto finally prompted when it seemed Haruka was not about to continue.

"It was," the other man said, and stood. "I'm sorry, Makoto," he said, gripping the cup tightly and shouldering a saddlebag elegantly. "I can't – "

Makoto stood as well. "You're not going to tell me what happened?" He said, incredulous despite himself.

"It's difficult." Haruka said. Even years later, Haruka was shorter than he; Makoto found himself looking at a downturned head so that he could not see the other man's expression. He sighed.

"Well, it was good to see you anyway." He wouldn't pry, despite, five year's silence between them. Despite the loneliness, despite year of fear –

"Makoto, wait," Haruka said, grabbing at his wrist. Face still downturned, he mumbled, "Can we meet – another time? I need to… go slowly, with this."

Makoto's mouth twisted wryly.

"Yeah, Haru-chan. Slow as you want."


	2. Sunday Part One

The first thing he became aware of was a fuzzy dryness in his mouth and the strange thickness of his tongue; the second was the headache that pounded up as he rolled over.

It's never worth it, Makoto thought irritably. Bracing himself against the pain in his temples, he moved his head to look at the alarm clock beside the bed – past eleven am. Damn.

He had to get some water. Water and aspirin.

But even standing up seemed like a gargantuan task.

Makoto closed his eyes and summoned up his courage; counting down – three two one – he stood slowly, letting the room catch up with him. It seemed to swirl around him, but at least there was no nausea.

He peered down at himself, taking stock as he gingerly made his way to his small apartment's washroom. Wearing jeans but no top or socks, he must have started getting undressed before falling asleep. How late had he gotten in last night-? He had only vague memories like snapshots: drinks, an unfamiliar club, more drinks, leaving the club – and he felt as though more came afterwards, but his memory was a blank. He got the aspirin and swallowed it dry without grimacing, chasing it with a glass of water from the bathroom sink. He closed his eyes and waited for the aspirin to work – or at least, to give him a placebo effect.

A few minutes later, when the pain in his head seemed to be subsiding at least a little, he stripped off his grungy feeling jeans and took a quick shower. Twenty minutes after waking up, he felt one hundred percent more human, but as he brushed his teeth he still could not remember exactly what had happened last night, and straining aggravated the remnant pain in his head.

Never worth it, he thought again, but uneasily this time. He hadn't gotten so drunk in a long, long time. Not drunk enough to forget the night before – that was just unhealthy. In fact, he hadn't gotten this drunk since Haruka…

"Stupid," he muttered to himself around a mouth full of mouthwash, and gargled. He wasn't really hungry, but made some tea anyway and sat down at the computer. He had this week's lesson plan to review and revise –

That was when he thought to check his cell phone. After all, he'd gone out with Nagisa and Kou last night, maybe there was a hint of at least what time he'd managed to get in – or what they'd gotten up to. It took some time to find the cell phone, but finally he retrieved it, sitting lonesome atop the small refrigerator at 16% battery. He plugged it in to charge and then opened his notifications.

There were two unread emails, both from Nagisa.

**From**: Hazuki Nagisa (hazukina .jp)

**Subject**: 且_(・_・ )

**Date**: 07-09-2013 02:42

gou-chan is angry but she said not to tell you ヽ(ー_ー )ノ

im telling anway. kuroragi-chan is taking her home and theyre arguing about you. dont worry~

ps drink some water

** From**: Hazuki Nagisa (hazukina .jp)

** Subject**: Re: 且_(・_・ )

**Date**: 07-09-2013 09:13

dont beat yourself up about last night (=^-ω-^=)

how do you feel?

Makoto smiled a little, and replied.

**To**: Hazuki Nagisa (hazukina .jp)

**Subject**: Re: 且 _(・_・ )

**Date**: 07-09-2013 11:47

You know me pretty well. I feel fine. Not beating myself up too much.

But I was wondering what we did after we left that club? I can't quite remember…

He sighed and hit "send," a little embarrassed at himself, and set the phone down to return to this week's lesson plans. It was much better to think of the children in his class than about the rest of his life.

Makoto was just really getting into the rhythm of his work when his phone buzzed beside him; he ignored it for a while, thinking it was probably Nagisa returning his message. When he stood to get a fresh cup of tea, the blinking notification light reminded him, and he picked it up to check. The message stopped him cold.

** From**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: (blank)

** Date**: 07-09-2013 12:30

Can we meet up again tonight? I'll be home, I can make you dinner.

Makoto dropped the phone, sighed, and got his cup of tea. It took a long while to compose his thoughts.

** To**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: Re: (blank)

**Date**: 07-09-2013 12:48

I'd rather not at your place. We could go out and get some dinner. Meet me where we were yesterday?

The thought of Haru's house was painful, and the thought of returning there – making dinner – probably fish, knowing Haruka – as though nothing had happened was almost absurd, as though his life were an abstract painting or an optical illusion. Squint and you can see the hidden Haru being wearing the same black jammers? Makoto started to laugh, a sound that startled him, and took another long drink of tea.

It was better to meet somewhere else. Somewhere neutral. And it was probably a better idea for getting more of the story out of Haruka than yesterday. At least, somewhere public like a restaurant might stop Haru from just – leaving, again.

With that in mind, he hit "send," and sat back to await a response. It came quickly.

** From**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: Re: Re: (blank)

**Date**: 07-09-2013 12:53

That's fine. I'll be there at six.

It's a date, Makoto thought with an internal sigh. He got up to microwave his cold tea and forced himself to return to his work – tomorrow was a school day, after all. Just maybe not the way I used to wish for.


	3. Sunday Part Two

_And now for something completely different._

"It wasn't as easy as that!" Kou exclaimed into the phone receiver. She was at her parent's home, which still had an old-fashioned landline phone – even with a cord. It was most handy to fidget with as she held an aggravating conversation.

"But you – you knew?" the voice on the other end said, anger leaking out.

"Well…." She tsk'ed in irritation and flipped through the messages on her cell phone, frowning. The latest message was from Nagisa:

* * *

**From**: Nagisa (hazukina .jp)

**Subject**: last night

**Date**: 07-09-2013 13:57

gou-chan fyi i think you made a bi~ig mistake last night

i don't think he'll remember but you told mako-chan that haru-chan visited you before…!

…

even if he doesn't remember, I can't believe you didn't tell us…

* * *

Not ten minutes later, Makoto had called, obviously angry. Nagisa was wrong, Makoto had remembered.

Kou had always been blessed with a rare ability: to drink copious amounts of alcohol and wake up fresh as a daisy the next day, without headache, nausea or anything. Today, she wished she could use any of those (or both) as an excuse to hang up…

"Yeah, I knew," she said in defeat. Kou turned the cell phone screen off and tossed it onto the kitchen table, sitting down beside it. "Look, Makoto – he told me not to tell you that, you know, he was in town."

"Who did?" Disbelief tinged the anger now.

"Haruka…"

"…" There was silence from the other end and Kou massaged her temples with her free hand. There was actually a headache starting up now, but she doubted she could fairly use that as an excuse to disconnect.

"…Makoto..?" she ventured after a moment. "Are you… okay?"

"He really… asked you not to tell me he was in town?"

"Yeah, he did, Makoto…" she said unhappily, twisting the phone cord to near-breaking.

"Did he…" Makoto's voice trailed off as he gathered his thoughts, then continued with more determination. "Did he ask you not to tell me specifically, or not to tell anyone..?"

_Oh, Makoto_… "I didn't tell anyone," she said. It was a dodge, and she twirled the cord of the phone around her finger anxiously, but Makoto breathed a sigh of what sounded like relief.

"How many times did they come back to Japan?"

"Ah, I really don't know if I should-"

"Please, Kou-chan," Makoto said, in that gentle voice that usually managed to get what its owner what he wanted. Kou, already feeling guilty, melted.

"Okaaay, Makoto… but don't tell anyone I told you…"

"Of course," he said warmly, and she thought about it.

"I think… four times? It's been –" she counted on her fingers to be sure "five years since you graduated high school, right, and there was one year they didn't come back, Rin was too busy with training."

"Four times…" Makoto said quietly, and Kou's feeling of guilt increased rather than decreased.

"Shit – I shouldn't have told you, Makoto." She shook her head.

"No, I'm glad you did." Makoto sighed. "Thank you, Kou-chan."

"Don't thank me…" she muttered. Her phone went _bzzt_ on the table and she pulled up the notification without paying attention – another message from Nagisa. She opened it.

* * *

**From**: Nagisa (hazukina .jp)

**Subject**: Re: last night

**Date**: 07-09-2013 14:07

seriously whhy didn't you say anything?

but this time I know something that I bet gou-cha doesn't!~

* * *

Ah, Makoto was speaking again. She returned her attention to the phone, which was becoming too warm against her ear.

"…to get back to work. Remember to take it easy today." He sounded a little depressed, or distant, or something, but he would seriously make the perfect boyfriend, Kou thought. So attentive. She grinned despite the fact that Makoto couldn't be able to see it, wanting to cheer him up. "Ha! I have studying to do, unlike some people."

"Yeah, yeah," Makoto replied, and Kou was happy to hear he didn't sound quite as depressed, now. "What are you 'studying' so hard again, Kou-chan?" She could practically see the air quotes – her choice of study was a common topic of ribbing from her friends.

"You know perfectly well that my master's degree is in Human Kinetics," she said in her haughtiest voice. "And I don't know why people laugh at that. It's a perfectly legitimate field-"

"Muscles," Makoto replied with a laugh. "Muscles and sports."

"Yeah, yeah," she groused. "Listen, Makoto, you really should get back to work. I'll call you later, 'kay?"

"Okay, Kou-chan. Sorry for calling you so angrily."

"…please don't worry about it, Makoto. Bye." She hung up and fiddled with her phone after untangling the mess she'd made of the cord. She didn't know how to reply to Nagisa or even if she really wanted to. Guilt from one friend was more than enough for today. With that thought, she went into the living room and nestled in under the kotatsu with a textbook for some serious reading.

And of course, the diagrams weren't half bad either…


	4. Reminisce One

His memories of that time are dominated by one overwhelming impression of _too much_.

Rin swims _too much_. Coming from Haruka, this is a serious accusation. It isn't just swimming – Rin is still trying to balance university coursework alongside his Olympic aspirations, and the stress seems to be slowly killing him. He almost fails three courses, which would have automatically disqualified him from the university swim team. Haruka helps, staying up late into the night to discuss what Rin reads for his English classes, although the essays he writes are basically incomprehensible.

English is _too much_. It was always his worst class in school, and now that it's everywhere, his comprehension doesn't improve so much as double-down: he feels as though he's _losing_ knowledge somehow. They live near to the campus and every day Haruka goes out and walks around it, forcing himself to decipher the lettering on signs, on books, on the sides of trucks. It's everywhere. After the walk, overwhelmed, he returns to their small apartment and soaks in the tub for hours.

The food is _too much_. They go out for a rare movie on a quiet Tuesday night, and the popcorn came in a literal bucket significantly bigger than Haruka's head. Grocery stores are like cavernous warehouses, and he's embarrassed one morning to find himself mentally psyching himself up for the trip to one. And the food itself is different, a fact Haruka always knew logically but has a hard time resolving himself to. It's impossible to get good, fresh fish, for instance – not difficult, but _impossible_. It doesn't exist.

And Rin… Rin is _too much_. Already well built, the ceaseless training has tuned his body into almost-perfection – "almost" because the edges are so sharp, so brutal. His sharp teeth make one thing of nothing so much as the apex predator, with a body ready for the attack. Haruka, no slouch himself, is nevertheless sometimes taken aback by his strength.

They fuck when Rin takes second place at nationals. That night has been all congratulations for the achievement – from his team, at the after party – the university already had a congratulatory message posted on their web site. But for Rin it's nothing but a loss, another loss, not good enough, and Rin's hard fingers on Haruka's hips are loathing: _not good enough fast enough strong enough gonna do better harder harder._ It is guttural sex. The next morning Rin makes Haruka breakfast in apology before heading off for a post-mortem with the swim team. 

But as he looks up at Makoto, who has just arrived at the rain-drizzled bench, he can't say any of it.


	5. Sunday Part Three

_This is bullshit_.

Makoto looked down at Haruka, who returned the gaze with the same nonchalant expression he'd always worn. His breath seemed too loud in his own ears; he was stupidly, pointlessly flustered. Yesterday's feeling of – incongruity – welled up in him as Haruka just continued to _look_, as though the last five years hadn't happened, as though they had just gotten out of school for the day. Makoto drew a deep, shuddering breath.

"Haruka," he said by way of greeting. Seemingly composed, Haruka nodded.

"Makoto." He said. Haruka stood and stuffed his hands in his jean's pockets.

And that was that. For several moments the two stood quietly, until the tension prompted Makoto to speak up. "Did you really come back to Japan four times?" It was not at all what he had intended to say, but the question was too foremost in his mind for his mouth to avoid it.

"I, ah…" for a moment, unflappable Haruka Nanase seemed _flustered_, but he recollected himself quickly. "Yes." He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and hunched a little. Despite the drizzling rain, he only wore a t-shirt above the jeans, and damp spots showed on his shoulders. "So Gou told you?"

"Yeah, today. Haruka -"

"…I'm going to go eat," Haruka said. "I'm getting wet out here."

"You should have worn a coat," Makoto replied. "I was asking you a question. Don't interrupt." It was like talking to one of the children in his class. _Don't interrupt; share nicely; don't bicker; don't tattle…_

"Are you coming for dinner?" Haruka said. He started walking, brushing past Makoto towards where they had gotten coffee the day before. "There's lots of new places this way since I left…"

Makoto gave this question the consideration it merited.

On the one hand, he was angry. Justifiably angry. Not only that, but he had come out here to meet Haruka – somewhat against his own better judgement – in the rain, and now he was getting wet. As if to prove the point, a raindrop trickled down a bang and into his eye. And now Haruka was walking away – which seemed the only thing he had done for the past few years – not just once, but again and again. Each time he had been in Japan and not contacted Makoto was a fresh betrayal. And he had possibly been in Iwatobi, so close, and yet hadn't –

The memory of an old fear, long buried, started to rise up in his stomach like the dregs of vomit. It was edged with this new, brittle anger. How _dare_ Haruka ask him here for coffee and then just walk away? How _dare_ he offer to make Makoto dinner so casually without a whisper of apology? How _dare_ he walk away now?

Haruka had only managed to proceed perhaps fifteen paces in the time it took Makoto to process all of this. He wanted, honestly, to run up to Haruka and give him a really good punch in the face. For a moment he could actually feel how that would feel: so satisfying: a clean right hook to the jaw, the graze of knuckles on teeth. As soon as this thought occurred Makoto rejected it, disgusted with himself.

That was only one, very un-Makoto-like possibility.

There was another: he could leave, go back to his apartment and life, and forget this. Unasked for, a memory of the last time Haruka had appeared came to mind and he shook his head minutely as if to dislodge it. On television, just before the men's gold 100m, the cameras had panned over the crowd and settled on a small group. Makoto, making dinner, had startled to attention when he heard Rin's name, as the announcer described "…Matsuoka Rin's family, about to watch the men…"

But Makoto had tuned out there because

Haru was watching, looking well, looking tired, looking happy

Haru was there, looking at the pool with the same gleam in his eyes that had always accompanied a particularly large body of water

_Haru_ was in London right now, and if Makoto wanted to he could look up the very coordinates on Google Earth. Right now, if Makoto wanted to, he could… the knowledge was so shell shocking and wondrous that he had to sit down, right there on the kitchen floor, holding a plate. The camera panned away again and he closed his eyes to preserve Haruka in his mind.

And what had he done afterwards, when the joy had worn off again? Tried to forget. Thank God it had been summer vacation then, because Makoto had gone on a binge that would have killed his ability to teach for a week. He knew it was a pathetic coping strategy but – it had almost, sort-of worked. He didn't think about Haruka, or at least, he tried not to and mostly succeeded. But was that really what Makoto wanted to do with the rest of his life..?

That left the third option: to go after Haruka (whose pace had slowed dramatically as he realized Makoto wasn't following him, he was even now just maybe thirty feet ahead). To get the story, the explanation – the _why_ of the past five years that had haunted Makoto.

Makoto, angry, didn't want to hear it. Makoto, wise, knew himself better than that.

So he took a deep breath and followed Haruka, who turned to face him as he approached, face _almost_ blasé.

"I almost thought that you wouldn't come."


	6. Sunday Part Four

In the end, they didn't end up addressing much of anything.

Haruka tried. In a strange reversal of their usual selves, he was the one to drive the conversation while Makoto listened, watching him, weighing every word. Haruka felt himself being dissected; the thoughts behind his sparse words comprehended in a way only Makoto had ever been able to do. It felt like home.

"You seemed really busy," over a shared basket of bread, hands reaching for the butter at the same time.

_The initial torrent of emails dwindling as the weeks go by. Haruka, who has always been terrible at returning calls or texts, is not oblivious to the change but still doesn't return more than one message a day. Life with Rin is busy and, so far, satisfying. They share the top two floors of an older house with two other people and he enjoys shared dinners and late night video games_.

"And it seemed like you were having fun," as the empty basket was taken away, a lonely piece of bread forgotten at the bottom. He felt a little defensive.

_The first emails from Makoto are classic: a little nagging (which is easily ignored) and full of miscellanea. Makoto tells Haruka about seemingly everything: classes, dormitories, new places and restaurants and knowledge and…_

_But it is the people that really shine in Makoto's stories, the Honda-kuns and Ami-chans and Seijirou-sans that make up his life away from Iwatobi. They make Haruka uneasy, and although there are Honda-kuns and Ami-chans and Seijirou-sans in his own life, he never mentions them in his infrequent responses._

"I was trying to tell you yesterday… that it wasn't so bad at first. That was true. I was busy too, but it was good." The small square table was empty but for their silverware and water glasses, and Haruka fidgeted with a fork just to have something to focus his attention on.

_Rin trains often, and has classes to attend, but they still have weekend time and evening time. Haruka is working at a bakery and joins a twenty-four hour gym for the sheer comfort of midnight swimming. In between swimming and working he cooks; it is strange living with others after so long in a house by himself. Sometimes Rin joins him after dinner for the walk to the gym, but he rarely swims, always saying he's had enough of the damn pool for today already. Instead he brings a textbook along and watches Haru doing lazy laps._

"Rin loved me then. I mean, he still does," he muttered, embarrassed, once the plates of pasta had been set before both of them.

_Leaving the bakery to see Rin waiting awkwardly for him outside. Giving it his all and beating Rin in a race by a hairsbreadth, causing three days of sulking. Going out to a house party, which is awkward since Haruka doesn't know anyone and Rin acts anti-social. After that party, Rin pulls him close and admits that he hadn't really wanted to go, either._

Makoto was still silent as he awkwardly corralled his spaghetti, but it was a different quiet, like he was marshalling his thoughts. When he spoke, he didn't say what Haruka had expected: _did you bring me here to talk about Rin_? Instead, he asked quietly, "Where is Rin now? The last I saw him was on TV just after the Olympics."

_London. Dense and packed with people, constant jittery excitement in the air. Rin, tense in his Team Japan tracksuit, arms by his sides stiffly as Haruka held him, hugged him, kissed his Adam's apple. It was a good luck kiss, no need for words. Waiting for the event to start with Gou and Rin's parents, quasi-familiar from annual trips home. Nervousness and a tinge of jealousy, alongside the knowledge that Rin has earned this._

"In America, I think," Haruka replied absently. Makoto blinked.

"You don't know?"

"He didn't want to leave."

_This apartment is nicer than the one they had in Japan, but Haruka refuses to settle in to it, which he knows is stupid. At first, it was because he refused to see this place as anything more than _temporary_. Now, he isn't sure why, but sticks to the habit out of obstinacy. This isn't their home, it's just an apartment._

_Rin has been acting extra-nice to Haruka for days now, and it's making him suspicious. Not that Rin is normally unkind or anything, but their relationship has never been the gooey, romantic, flowers-just-because kind. Except that today, Rin brings home flowers. The last time he acted like this, it was because he wanted Haruka to move to America with him. Haruka doesn't see how the same can be true this time._

_Instead, Rin wants to stay in America. Permanently._

Makoto swirled the water in his cup a little before downing it in one gulp. "You did," he said, and it wasn't a question but Haruka nodded anyway.

"So much."

_He fills his days with nothing much. Rin says repeatedly that he could improve his English if he'd just try, which Haruka thinks is probably true but at first this is temporary, so he doesn't bother. After a while Rin stops trying to coax English out of him, he's simply so busy with everything else. Haruka doesn't tell him about his daily walks, about the street signs and the sides of trucks, and eventually the subject isn't brought up anymore._

Haruka looked down at the pasta as though seeing it for the first time, and realized abruptly that he'd brought Makoto to an Italian restaurant in Japan. It was absurd and he smiled.

"What's that for?" Makoto asked.

"You should have let me make you dinner," Haruka said, but Makoto didn't smile back.

_Cooking dinner for Rin about a month before London. Rin eats an astonishing amount of food to sustain the intense training regimen, but Haruka doesn't mind. It's Rin's last night here before he flies out with his coach; Haruka will meet up with his parents and sister in London in a few weeks. He doesn't want to stay here, but the only other place he has to go is Iwatobi, and he doesn't really want to spend the weeks alone there, either. He feels trapped, but he ignores the feeling as he sits beside Rin, who holds his wrist tightly, as though he's trying to keep Haruka from bolting. It doesn't help the caged feeling in his gut._

Haruka finished his pasta and noticed Makoto had, too.

"Dessert?" he asked, but he didn't really want anything himself and was relieved when Makoto shook his head no. They paid their bills without any further discussion on the topic and walked out into the muggy night air, everything shiny with rain in the streetlights. Haruka shoved his hands back in his pockets, suddenly unsure. It was like they were back in Japan after a trip or something, like Makoto's territory. But that was stupid.

"So you're… working tomorrow, right?" he said, for something to say, and the other man nodded. Makoto turned his cell phone on a moment and checked the time.

"I'd better get back home, actually. Haru… thanks. For talking to me." Makoto smiled at him, face turned slightly aside, like Haruka remembered. And then he was gone, receding into the night. It was so fast that Haruka didn't even have time to say good bye.


	7. Makoto's Fourteen Missed Notifications

**From**: Nagisa (hazukina .jp)

**Subject**: secret

**Date**: 09-09-2013 16:02

don't youy want to know what my se-ce-re-t is? (^.^(

* * *

**From**: Kou ( .kou )

**Subject**: (blank)

**Date**: 09-09-2013 16:05

I already told you about Haruka and I feel really bad about not telling you before so I don't think I should hold back about this. Rin's on his way to Iwatobi. Call me when you have a chance.

* * *

**From**: Kou ( .kou )

**Subject**: Re: (blank)

**Date**: 09-09-2013 16:06

But don't tell Rin I told you.

* * *

_Missed call: Unknown Number_

* * *

**From**: Kou ( .kou )

**Subject**: Re: Re: (blank)

**Date**: 09-09-2013 16:12

Or Haruka!

* * *

**From**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: (blank)

**Date**: 09-09-2013 16:45

Meet for dinner? I'm not going out for Italian again, that was gross.

* * *

_Missed call: Unknown Number_

* * *

**From**: School Board (iwatobi-school . )

**Subject**: Fall Semester Meet-and-Greet

**Date**: 09-09-2013 17:30

Just a friendly reminder that the fall semester's "Parent Meet and Greet" is coming up this Thursday night! If you have not already submitted an outline, please send it to Gouma-san by noon tomorrow. Otherwise, see you there!

* * *

**From**: PayPal (customerservice )

**Subject**: Your Account

**Date**: 09-09-2013 17:32

Dear Sir,

We have noticed in suspicious activity on your account(s) and

removed access to them. To have your access re-enabled, please submit the following html form on our website: paypa1/submit_verification_form

Kind Regards,

The Customer Service Team

* * *

**From**: Nagisa (hazukina .jp)

**Subject**: Re: 且 _(・_・ )

**Date**: 09-09-2013 18:13

Oh i forgot to tell you about Saturday! You asked where we went after the bar closed? You just wanted to go to the old pool… but you crashed pretty hard after that lol.

* * *

**From**: Naoki (naonao19 .jp)

**Subject**: Ami-chan's birthday

**Date**: 09-09-2013 19:16

Hey everyone,

It's almost Ami-chan's birthday! We're going to go out to PJ's Friday night if anyone wants to come. We'll be there about 9pm.

See you!

* * *

_Missed call: Matsuoka Rin (713-315-4910)_

* * *

**From**: Rin (rinmatsuoka )

**Subject**: Haruka

**Date**: 09-09-2013 19:45

I'm looking for Haruka. Are you screening your calls? I'm going to go to your place if you don't call me back, I know you know where he is.

* * *

_Missed call: Matsuoka Rin (713-315-4910)_


	8. Tuesday Part One

Her mother had never liked Haruka. Well, that was slightly untrue: when they were little kids, and Rin had been friends with the whole swim team, she probably hadn't had much opinion of him one way or the other. Back then all Rin did was exclaim over how _fast_ Haruka was and wheedle their mother to let him transfer schools so they could be on the same team. But now that Haruka was sleeping with her son, had been sleeping with her son for five years, had moved to America to sleep with her son, and looked to be sleeping with him for the foreseeable future… well, things had gotten a little tense.

He wasn't _quite_ a persona non grata; she had grudgingly allowed Haruka to visit along with Rin on their annual trips; had taken an adjoining hotel room in London peaceably enough. But it was an uneasy relationship at best. She vividly remembered, the year Kou had entered university, Rin admitting the real nature of their relationship to their mother and herself: it never failed to make her wince.

So when Kou, freshly showered, sat down to catch up on her email after a hard day of study, it was with a sinking feeling that she took the news that Rin was back in Japan – because of Haruka.

The absolute proudest thing in her mother's life was Rin's Olympic career, nothing else could hold a candle to it. The _least_ proud was his relationship with Haruka. Interrupting the one for the other could only bring her unhappiness – and direct at Kou a _lot_ of complaining.

* * *

**From**: Rin (rinmatsuoka )

**Subject**: READ THIS ALONE

**Date**: 09-09-2013 15:57

Kou, don't panic & make sure youre not with mom when you read this. I'm about to board a train for Iwatobi. Sorry for short notice, just thru customs.

Fuck. Didn't want to get you involved in this, just can't see any way around it. In the past couple days, have you seen Haruka? DON'T PANIC_._ He told me on the phone that he's in Japan, he just won't say _where_ and I can't figure out anywhere else he would go.

Haveto go. DON'T TELL MOM. I think I can still resolve this without worrying her.

* * *

For years, she'd hated being in the middle of this stupid _drama_ between Makoto, Haruka and Rin. She'd definitely told him so often enough. Now though she wondered if she should actually have encouraged her brother to talk. What was going on?

She thought back over the past few days, nibbling at the end of a pen. Saturday – no, Friday, Makoto had emailed her out of the blue, seemingly just to… talk. It wasn't that she _minded_, it was just a little strange, since Makoto usually seemed to hang out with a different set of people.

Then on Saturday, he had texted both her and their mutual friend Kuro-chan, as well as Nagisa and other friends, wanting to go out drinking. Again, she didn't at all mind, it was simply out of the ordinary. And had Makoto ever _drunk_ that night! He was usually the one helping others home, not being helped.

And then she'd _stupidly_ mentioned that Haruka had been back to Iwatobi with her brother.

She still felt like it was only somewhat her fault. She'd been really, really drunk, and Makoto had brought up Haruka like he only did when he was really, _really_ drunk. And he was always a cutie, but at that moment he had just looked so _sad…_

Well, it had been stupid to say and just made things worse instead of cheering him up. Afterwards, when the bar was closing, she'd overheard him ask Nagisa to take a trip to the old pool with him as she left with Kuroragi-chan. He'd still looked so…

Her thoughts trailed off for a moment before she lightly bonked herself in the head and started vigorously rubbing at her damp hair with a towel. There was a situation to be attended to.

Sometimes, she was really angry at Rin and Haruka for doing this to Makoto. She had no clue what had come between the three, only that it had happened sometime after their high school graduation, while she was a senior. Every time she asked – and she didn't often, it took a lot of effort to confront the great shark-toothed Matsuoka and coldly expressionless Haruka – she was soundly rebuffed. The most she'd ever managed was a vague "We're all busy" from Haruka, and that had been years ago.

No _duh_ they were all busy, that was life. It didn't mean you had to abandon your former best friend and never speak of him again. She knew boys were stupid, but she'd never encountered any as _obstinately_ stupid as these ones.

But she was only angry sometimes, because – well, she was happy for Rin. It almost made up for seeing Makoto so upset, as he had been Saturday night. Since high school, he'd emotionally done a total one eighty, from angry loner to annoyingly in love with life. And why not? At the tender age of twenty three, he'd managed what few usually accomplished in fifty years: not just found his passion in life, but completely excelled at it. So far, he had two Olympic medals to his name, was close to graduating from a foreign university, had already travelled the world extensively – and managed, _somehow_, to keep Haruka along for the entire ride.

Kou frowned at the computer monitor, tossing the towel into her dirty clothes hamper and grabbing a comb from its perch beside her bed. Any idiot could see that Haruka – not to be a romantic – filled a hole in Rin; made him happy but also motivated him. But there seemed to be something off about their relationship lately all the same. Ever since they'd worked through that silly high school rivalry thing, it had seemed to Kou – with her admittedly limited chance at observations – that _Haruka_ didn't seem very happy. Well, as happy as Haruka ever seemed to be, anyway. She'd always dismissed this little doubt because, well - Haruka was still with Rin, wasn't he? He'd chosen to follow Rin to university in Fukuoka, had chosen to go with Rin to America, and to London, and after… it was silly to think in the face of such overwhelming evidence, that he was anything other than satisfied with his life.

Which brought her back to the contradiction of the email, still displayed on her computer monitor. It seemed to Kou that there were three keys points:

One – Rin was on a train. In Japan. On his way to Iwatobi.

In any other situation this would have delighted her; she'd have run down to tell her mother and they could have fun cooking his favourite foods (and some that he disliked, just to see the look on his face). Her mother was always _ecstatic_ when her baby boy was home, she hadn't stopped worrying about him in almost ten years, since that very first trip to Australia. But the email had specifically said not to tell their mother; much as she would like to, she couldn't betray that trust. Hadn't she just been thinking that Rin should open up more to her, to avoid situations like this? Didn't she want to know more about his life than the cursory "fine / food here is awful / too hot out" that she'd been hearing for half her life on the phone?

Two – Haruka was also in Japan.

Now, that was unexpected. Haruka hardly ever came back, and never without Rin.

Wait, that couldn't be right, could it?

It struck her suddenly how sad that was, that she and her disapproving mother were the only family Haruka had to come and visit at the New Year. But then – Haruka might have come back at other times and just not informed Kou of the fact. It was possible.

She shook her head free from the depressing thought, and grabbed sweatpants and a tshirt to put on. It was still really early in the evening, but she wanted to get comfortable – this had all the trappings of a really long night about it.

Three – Rin didn't know where Haruka was, but thought Kou might.

This suggested a few things to Kou: that Rin hadn't arrived in Japan with Haruka. That he thought Haruka would head for Iwatobi rather than Fukuoka or anywhere else. That he actually had some small amount of faith in her, a gratifying prospect.

Mulling over all of these things, Kou finally decided to send a quick email to Makoto. Of all people, she somehow still thought he was the most likely to know where Haruka was, even after their years of – whatever you would call it. That meant Rin would probably think the same thing and go for Makoto; the poor guy deserved a warning.

She didn't worry too much about Haruka, though. After all, Rin was in contact with him, if not very productively: she thought he'd have mentioned should Haruka had been, like, _kidnapped_ or something. She snorted at the thought and got up for some tea.

Besides, Haruka was a big boy. He could look after himself.


	9. Reminisce Two

Playing over the events of the past few days, Makoto is inexorably reminded of his high school days. There are three memories that he's replayed over and over again in his mind, so that they've achieved the texture of old film to him, soft. They're not obviously related, though they're all about Haruka (as everything was then); one is pure conjecture but it's the only way he can conceptualize _what happened _to make Haruka disappear from his life. He thinks over these small events again as the school day ends, still trying to make sense of it all, nostalgic.

i.

"Nagisa-kun… that's still so disgusting to look at," Rei said in disgust, looking at the piled-high piece of rock bread Nagisa had purchased for lunch.

"Mmmnnaa," Nagisa replied with his mouth full of food. Rei visibly winced and turned away, muttering something about "unbeautiful," while Haruka watched the exchange, seemingly unmoved. There might have been words buried in Nagisa's mumble but if so, Makoto couldn't decipher them. He smiled and turned back to his own lunch. Haruka had made him lunch today, which was unexpected – but nice.

He took a bite of tuna in some sort of spicy-sweet sauce and looked at Haruka, who was still watching Nagisa eat. "Hey, Haru?"

"Mm?" Haruka replied without turning to him.

"This is really good – thanks for bringing it."

Haruka was silent, but Makoto was pretty content. He smiled and took another bite.

"It was no problem," Haruka finally replied, long after Makoto's internal train of thought had gone elsewhere. He blinked at look back to Haruka, who was now taking a long drink from a sports drink. "You do this sort of thing for me a lot."

"Mm, I guess so…" Makoto said. "So it's like… appreciation?"

"You could say so," Haruka replied thoughtfully. "I don't know. I didn't put so much thought into it."

Makoto, not fooled, ducked his head and smiled.

"Hey so…" Haruka said, obviously hesitant, and Makoto looked at him, deciphering the flicker of emotions playing across his face as _nervousness. _

"Yeah?" He asked.

Before Haruka could reply, they were interrupted by a commotion as Nagisa, who had finished his lunch and started rummaging through Rei's backpack. Rei started telling him off with a weary attitude, not really making much effort to stop the blond boy. Triumphantly, Nagisa pulled a blue three ring binder from the bag, with "Mathematics" written neatly down the spine.

"Hey Rei, mind if I take a look at your notes?" Nagisa asked Rei politely, all innocence, holding the binder in his lap. Rei spluttered.

"What – you can't just – "

"Pleeeeeeeease? I forgot to study for the quiz this afternoon!"

"Then it's your own fault if you do poorly," Rei said primly, pushing his distinctive red glasses up his nose. Nagisa pouted cutely.

"Rei-chan is so unfair to me!"

"It's _not_ unfair," Rei huffed. He considered the blond boy. "Alright. You can look through them – _gently – _on one condition."

"Yeah!" Nagisa exclaimed. He started flipping through the pages. "Hm, let's see… where are we…"

"You didn't even ask what the condition was…" Rei said in despair, but Nagisa ignored him.

Minor distraction over, Makoto turned his attention back to Haruka, who was watching the two with his usual detachment. "What were you going to say, Haru-chan?"

"Don't call me that," Haruka said evenly. "And never mind."

"Oh, are you sure?" Makoto replied, creasing his brow. But Haruka just lifted one shoulder in acknowledgement.

ii.

Spring had come again, but the air gusting over Mutsuki Bridge was still cold with winter. There was no swim club practice today, and Makoto had stayed behind for class duties, so he walked home alone. Haruka shivered slightly and moved to wrap his scarf more tightly around his neck.

_…Damn._ He didn't have his scarf, no wonder he was so chilly. It wasn't like him to leave something like that behind, and he sighed. He'd just go back and get it, he was still fairly close to the school and he didn't want to have to go without it tomorrow morning.

No trace of his internal irritation showed on his face as he abruptly turned and began retracing his steps across the bridge. By the time he made it back to the school, he was freezing cold, but at least he wasn't really irritated with himself any more. It was just a silly oversight, and perhaps this way he could meet up with Makoto for the walk home. Inside, back up the stairs towards the classroom. The school wasn't empty; even at this time of the day he could hear the squeak of sneakers in the gymnasium, the same few bars of music being repeated over and over by a struggling band. It was annoying, and he had the niggling feeling that that song was going to get persistently stuck in his head for the walk home.

At his anonymous looking classroom, now. He reached for the door and heard voices – Makoto and…?

"This is such a cliché," a female voice said. He didn't recognize it. "I mean, the after school confession, right?" A self-deprecating laugh that he instantly despised. "Sorry to…"

"Hey, Marin-chan," Makoto interrupted gently. Haruka could imagine the scene, it _was_ a cliché. _Marin-chan_. That was the student council vice president, whom he only remembered because her posters for student council elections had had a dolphin mascot. She was a plain, earnest sort of person. He pictured it: the good-looking captain of the swimming team and the high-school vice president standing in the early evening light, she blushingly admitting her feelings, and he…?

"Don't apologize." The tone of his voice expressed volumes. Haruka had always been able to read Makoto, interpret the tone that meant _I'm thinking about my fish_ or _My little brother and sister are being so cute right now! _or even something so prosaic as _I'm hungry_, and he knew what this tone meant: _I'm really in love_. He didn't question how he knew that tone so well, he just turned and left.

_"Don't apologize. I'm really honoured, so you shouldn't feel bad. But I … already like someone else."_

_"Oh…" Marin's voice trailed off sadly. "Can I ask who? If – if that's not too presumptuous…"_

_Makoto looked down at the scarf he was holding and smiled. "It's a secret."_

iii.

Makoto had been worrying about Haruka for a few days, but hadn't had a chance to really talk to him about it. It was the end of term, of their _last_ term, and everyone was really busy preparing for university.

Well… except for Haruka, who seemed to have become a total recluse lately. The swim club was closed for the year and he went to school and returned home without saying a single word, some days. After three days of this, Makoto finally had a free forty minutes to run up to Haruka's place after school and before dinner. He was determined to figure out why Haruka had been so closed off lately.

"Haruka!" He called when knocking at the front door yielded no response. "I'm going to come in!" He tried the door and it was locked as expected. Happily, he knew another way in and took it, calling out as he went. "Haruka? I'm inside, are you here?"

But the house _felt_ empty, and when he'd tried all of the rooms twice, he had to give up in defeat. He took a look at his watch – dinner was in just under half an hour and he didn't want to be late. He sighed and decided to send Haruka an email on the off chance that he was carrying his cell phone.

He sat down in the living room and opened the "compose" screen, thinking. Finally:

* * *

**To**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: Where are you?

**Date**: 03-28-2008 17:33

Where are you? I'm at your place and I'm a little worried about you.

* * *

Honesty couldn't hurt. He pressed "send" and sighed, standing up to get his shoes. As he put them on, though, his cell phone unexpectedly buzzed in his pocket and he fumbled for it.

* * *

**From**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: Re: Where are you?

**Date**: 03-28-2008 17:35

Samezuka.

* * *

Terse as always, but it didn't reassure Makoto like it usually would have. Why was he at Samezuka? Swimming? But if he was swimming, why had he answered his phone so readily?

These questions occupied Makoto for the rest of the evening, but the next day at school, Haruka was just as quiet as he had been the day before. None of his questions elicited an answer.


	10. Tuesday Part Two

_i._

Makoto had a long-standing date on Tuesdays with his parents, Ren and Ran for dinner. Now in middle school, they were always desperately excited to see him, even if they didn't act on it the way they would have a few years prior – or at least, _tried_ not to. Accordingly, and without much thinking about it, he checked his phone once school had let out, saw there were no urgent notifications, and turned it off for the evening. He didn't anticipate anything urgent coming up that night, and he wanted to be able to focus on his family.

He set off towards his parent's home, and easy walk from the elementary school he taught at. In the early fall, with the raininess of the last few days over and a pleasant chill left behind in its wake, the oft-trod path was surprisingly refreshing. The leaves weren't falling yet, but some early bloomers were starting to change colour and he thought that they soon would begin to detach. This time of the year made him a little introspective, and he continued to play over memories from his high school days that he hadn't thought of in a while. So occupied, the short distance passed.

Ren and Ran were waiting for him at the end of their street and Makoto smiled widely when he saw them. On closer reflection, though, his smile faded a bit. Ran looked pretty unhappy, and as he approached she took his arm with a clinginess he'd thought she'd grown out of years ago.

"What's wrong, Ran-chan?" he asked, holding her hand just as tightly. She had officially declared herself "too big to be picked up" last year, but Makoto gave some thought to doing it anyway – she looked _that_ upset. Ren snorted unkindly.

"Her boyfriend broke up with her."

Makoto's jaw actually dropped for a second, and he looked at Ran in surprise. She sniffed, but did not refute the allegation.

"…Ran-chan, you're too young for a boyfriend," he finally managed, returning to the walk and pulling Ran along with him. She let go of his hand, looking frustrated.

"I'm not," she said after a few steps. "Natsuki-chan already has a boyfriend. And Ai-chan"

"I get it, I get it," Makoto said. He spied their house ahead. "Hey Ren, why don't you run ahead and let mom and dad know we're on our way?"

"I don't want-"

"Ren," Makoto said. His face was no less pleasant, his voice no more stern, and yet somehow, Ren found himself a few paces ahead.

Makoto pulled Ran off the sidewalk and onto the grass, kneeling down beside her so he was just a little shorter than his little sister.

"I won't say you shouldn't have a boyfriend," he said slowly, almost thinking aloud. "Especially if your friends do, I know you won't listen to me." He grinned at her. "But I _will_ say that you shouldn't take him too seriously."

"Too seriously?" Ran asked. She bit her lip. "I don't understand."

"Too seriously," he repeated solemnly. "I know you don't want us to treat you like a little kid anymore-"

"Because I'm _not_ a little kid anymore," she interjected under her breath, but Makoto just smiled and continued.

"-But remember that the world is a big, wide place. There are big things out there for you, Ran. All different kinds of adventures. Having a boyfriend is just _one_ kind of adventure. So if he did break up with you… look on the positive side. You've had _that_ adventure and now you can go forward and have others."

"There isn't a positive side," Ran said, looking upset again, and Makoto winced. He hadn't meant to come off so lightly.

"There really is though." He considered the subject a moment, trying to figure out an example that could cheer her up. "Say – let's see, what were you doing, boyfriend and girlfriend?"

She blushed bright red. "Nothing weird!"

"Well, I _hope_ not," Makoto grinned again. "No, that's not what I meant. I'm just so old, I can't really remember my middle school days…"

"Don't be silly," Ran said, hitting him lightly on the bicep. "We just, you know, hung out at recess and stuff. And sometimes at lunch, but not always, because he likes to play soccer."

"Ah, so you'll have more free time!" Makoto said brightly. "I mean, your friends must miss you, if you've been spending all your time with this _crazy,_ _soccer-obsessed_ madman." He wiggled his eyebrows at her and she rolled her eyes – but smiled.

"That's true," she said grudgingly. "But he's not _obsessed._ Maybe – just a little." Makoto thought that was probably progress enough for one conversation and stood, offering her his arm.

"Shall we go in for dinner, m'lady?" he asked grandly, and she smiled fondly at him, taking his arm and loudly muttering about what a dork he was. Makoto didn't mind.

_ii._

When he stepped out of his old home it was dark and Makoto didn't have much on his mind beyond sleepy contentment. He was absently reaching for his phone to turn it back on when he was interrupted by a shadow seemingly _detaching itself from the wall_ ahead of him. He jolted and took a step back, fists clenched and heart pounding, when the shadow spoke, abruptly resolving into the figure of a person.

"Tachibana?"

"Mm?" Makoto peered into the gloom and tried to decipher who it was. His heart was still pounding, but the voice was vaguely familiar – he stepped forward, still squinting, and saw that it was Rin.

"Rin?" He asked in frank astonishment. "Is that really you?"

"No, it's the tooth fairy," Rin snorted. "Yeah, it's me." It could hardly be anyone else, but as Makoto's eyes adjusted to the gloom, he saw that Rin had _changed_. It seemed like this was a pattern in his life – Rin disappearing and returning in the gloom with a new form that was harder, sharper. This time, the real physical perfection of his body, the languid grace as he walked over to Makoto, was almost – frightening. Makoto had to resist a strong urge to step back. "Where's Haruka?"

"I – what?" Makoto said. His head felt _thick_, like it was stuffed with cotton candy, or like his connection to this conversation was time-delayed by thirty seconds. He had literally no idea what was going on.

"Ha-ru-ka," Rin repeated as though Makoto was being purposefully obtuse. "Where is he."

"I don't know?" Makoto replied, and thank God, was rescued.

"Makoto? Is that you out there?" Light spilled out from the doorway that was still just behind him as his mother called out. "Why are you standing around there, did you forget something?"

"Good evening, Tachibana-san," Rin said politely, throwing Makoto off _again_. He stepped into the light and was less menacing for it, but looked no less strong. Makoto had the fleeting thought that it was unfair for Rin to look every inch the Olympian even in jeans and a hoodie. His connection to the conversation was catching up: he was starting to remember why he actually kind of disliked this guy.

"Good evening," his mother replied, obviously puzzled. "Excuse me – do I know you?"

Makoto smiled pleasantly through his irritation and confusion. "This is Rin Matsuoka, mom. Don't you remember – from elementary school? The swim club?" It took her a moment, but then, sure enough:

"You're the one who went to the Olympics!" she exclaimed. She actually seemed to _flutter_ in excitement, but Makoto kept his smile on somehow. "Please come in!"

"I really can't, but thanks, Tachibana-san-"

"Don't be silly." Makoto's mother replied, breaming.

"Who's out there, mom?" Ren called, and Makoto's smile finally slipped. He had to stifle a tiny groan as his little brother's head popped out from behind his mother. "Oh? Makoto? Are you…" But then he spotted Rin and went quiet.

Ren _idolized_ Rin. He could quote you all of Rin's records and most of his personal bests. He was fond of reminding them that, before Rin, Japan hadn't had a podium finish at the Olympics in the men's 100m freestyle since 1952. The fact that his big brother had actually been friends with Rin before he'd taken off around the world to hone his swimming skills made him mythical, like a hero from a martial arts movie or something. Somehow, he had obtained an actual poster of Rin, which hung in place of honour above his headboard.

Ren looked at Makoto, eyes wide, _pleading_, and Makoto gave up in defeat. Alright then.

"You should come in, Rin. It's been a long time, my family are big fans of yours." He fixed a smile back on his face, every inch the old friend. Rin sort of glared at him, but when Makoto showed no signs of caving, gave up himself.

"Alright, I'll impose on your hospitality for just a little while."


	11. Tuesday Part Three

It was a beautiful thing, Rin thought, jealousy: it sharpened the senses, made one hyper aware of flaws and imperfections, even more aware of anything better-than-oneself in the subject of that jealousy. And Makoto was _jealous_. Rin could almost smell it.

But he was light years above Makoto, orders of magnitude, so there were few flaws for the other man to latch on to. Rin was studiously polite to the Tachibanas, aware that it was confusing Makoto: he sat with them over tea, acknowledged their congratulations gracefully, correctly interpreted the young boy's awestruck look and spoke to him kindly. When he finally stood to leave Makoto was off-kilter and followed him silently.

Rin kept the polite look on his face until they had left the house well behind – it was sort of fun. But he had some questions to ask, so he dropped the pleasant look for a scowl and turned to face Makoto once they were a few streets away. It was by now full dark and the narrow street was empty.

"So," he started, but Makoto frowned.

"What was that?" he asked, not with hostility but with – what seemed mere confusion. Rin shook his head.

"What was what?"

"Back there, at my family's place. You were… very nice."

"You don't have to sound so shocked," Rin said irritably. "I can be kind. Right now, though, I'm looking for Haruka. Where is he?"

Makoto ran a hand through his hair. "I still don't know? Why do you even think that I would?"

"Because he wasn't at his house," Rin replied. He started walking again, aimlessly, and Makoto followed.

"That doesn't exactly answer my question…" Makoto said. "When did you arrive in town, anyway? Haruka said you were still in America."

"Just got in," Rin said nonchalantly. He noticed Makoto playing with his cell phone and went quiet, thinking. He _had_ just arrived, and caught the first train here that he could. He was _exhausted_. He'd been unable to do more than doze for a few minutes at a time all during the long, long flight here…

_He was sitting on the plane, flying over the Pacific: Haru was kneeling in between his legs. He wasn`t wearing pants but it wasn't alarming. The plane was full of people in suits and Haruka started giving him head, licking up and down his cock. But then it was _Kou, _wearing her old high school uniform, in between his legs and he startled awake, feeling filthy_.

…because of the awful dreams he'd kept having. That meant he'd been awake almost twenty four hours now. Although in Iwatobi it was only just approaching eight pm, to Rin it felt like six am. That fact probably contributed to his jitteriness as his phone went off loudly in the quiet night. The shrillness made him start as he grabbed for it, but was sharply disappointed when it was just a spam email from the university. Makoto just looked at him as he shoved the phone back into his pocket.

"Did Haruka leave you?" Makoto finally said, bluntly, and Rin gritted his teeth.

"_No_."

"Then why-"

"_Shut up_," Rin said shortly. He turned to face Makoto who was watching him warily. Fucking dammit, he did not come here to have this conversation with fucking _Makoto Tachibana. _

"Okay, okay," Makoto said peaceably, spreading his arms wide. "I'm just asking. I'll help you look for him. You said he wasn't at home – when was that?"

"About ten minutes before I went to your place," Rin said with a shrug, feeling the anger fade away again. He tried not to question Makoto's offer too much – he was tired, it was dark, and truthfully, he could use the help. As little kids he'd known Haruka only for a short while; in high school, they hadn't exactly been best friends. Rin actually had a pretty poor idea of where Haruka might spend his time in Iwatobi.

"Have you looked anywhere else?" Makoto asked, but Rin shook his head. "Okay then, let's split up. Oh – you've been calling him, right?"

_Of course_. "Yeah, but he won't say where he went."

Makoto gave him another strange look. "You've been together five years and he won't tell you where he is?" Rin didn't feel the need to dignify this with a response, and Makoto thankfully kept any further opinions to himself. "I'll try his number, then," Makoto announced, and pulled out his cell phone. There was no answer, and Rin listened to Makoto record a voice mail disinterestedly.

"Alright, I'll go this way," Rin said when Makoto was done, already turning and walking away from Makoto. "If you find him, let me know."

"Yeah, yeah," Makoto replied. "You're welcome, Rin."


	12. Love Letter

Haruka sat on the chilly beach and reflected.

It was _good_ to be home. His house had left been more or less untouched by the years away (of course, it was really his parent's house, and they had paid to have someone look in on it every once in a while and check for problems).

It was good just to be here, on the sand, curling his toes into the grit. To stare into the depths of the boundless ocean in the twilight. To smell that tang he'd missed, hear the _shh shh_ of waves omnipresent, the cawing of gulls and the rustle of long grasses dancing in the wind. That wind guested and it was cold: he wrapped his jacket more firmly around himself but otherwise didn't move, too absorbed in the world of the beach, each of his senses reconnecting to this place he had missed.

He had missed Iwatobi. He had missed Makoto.

He allowed that feeling of loss to settle inside him. It was not a new feeling: Haruka had often missed Makoto while he was away in America. He would almost-turn, almost-speak to the man he expected to be at his side, opening his mouth to say 'This movie is really boring' or 'I feel like some takoyaki' or 'Let's go out for a run.' But Makoto was never there, and he'd close his mouth again, feeling foolish.

In Iwatobi, though, the feeling was much stronger than it had ever been abroad. The ghost of Makoto beside him, tall, eyes wide with happiness, never seemed to _leave_. He fisted a hand in the sand, feeling the dampness and how little grains clung to his fingernails. He'd made dinner for two tonight without even realizing what he was doing.

He laid back on the sand, looking upwards towards the sky. There was a twinkle of boats on the horizon which formed a pretty backdrop for his musing. Unasked for, his mind wandered to Rin, and as if to cement the thought his phone (tossed carelessly onto the sand beside him) buzzed. He blew a deep breath out through his nose.

_Rin._

He'd rather think about almost anything else, so he did, thinking forcefully about the fish that lived far down in the depths. It was no good: his mind kept turning the thoughts to Rin.

Now _there_ was a mess.

Haruka sat up again, drawing a knee to his chest and resting his chin on it. He glared out at the boats, seeing not them but a plain white apartment wall.

"_For how long?" he'd asked, dropping the flowers (seriously, Rin?) onto a table. Rin had shrugged, looking as though he was trying not to look awkward – and failing. _

"_I don't know. It would be for at least a few years, but probably longer."_

_Haruka had swallowed, an odd lump in his throat and an embarrassing tightness behind his eyes. "You're seriously asking me to do this? For that much longer?"_

"_It's a huge chance for me-"_

_Haruka summoned up anger to replace these stupid feelings of sadness and disappointment. When he spoke, his voice lacked any inflection. "I'm not staying."_

"_Don't be an idiot," Rin had said, and then looked as though he was trying not to look upset. He'd taken a deep breath and let it out while staring at the popcorn ceiling. "I want to do this." Haruka had finally snapped._

"_It's always about you. _Always_. What about what I want?"_

He kind of regretted those words, now. He didn't – could never – regret leaving that _place_ for Iwatobi, nor did he regret telling Rin the truth. Rather, he regretted the petulance of his words, the harshness of his tone, and the way Rin's face had closed off in anger, the way Rin had turned left the apartment with such feelings between them. It was too reminiscent of the past.

Haruka could give up a lot for Rin. He could leave his friends behind; could move to a foreign country; he could even stop swimming. But he still needed some hope to grasp to – that Rin would be there, that someday he'd be going home, that there was a bathtub waiting for him at the end of the day. Taking that hope away was breathtakingly cruel, and the worst part was that Rin didn't even seem aware of it.

His phone jittered on the sand again, and this time, Haruka reached for it. The older notification was from Rin, as expected:

* * *

**From**: Rin (rinmatsuoka )

**Subject**: (blank)

**Date**: 09-09-2013 19:33

Haru, I'm at your parent's place. For the love of God can you please tell me where you are and NO 'JAPAN' IS NOT A SUFFICIENT ANSWER.

* * *

He sighed and put the phone back down without looking at the second notification, wondering how to reply. He had been angry at Rin, but now he was just – what? Unhappy? A little lonely? He felt bad for making Rin worry; he felt worse for making Rin come all the way here. But he hadn't asked him to do either of those things.

Haruka pressed his eyes tightly closed and considered.

_I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to speak to you_ seemed childish.

_Iwatobi_ would just piss him off.

_The beach_ was the truth, but he didn't really want Rin to find him.

In the end he sent no reply to Rin. He opened the second notification:

* * *

**From**: Makoto (makomako )

**Subject**: Just wondering…

**Date**: 09-09-2013 19:40

Hey, Rin's looking for you, he seems kind of upset? I left you a voicemail message but I don't know if you'll see that… if you want to make it easy on me, meet me at the bench we got coffee at Saturday.

* * *

Haruka sighed again and stood, shoving his cell phone into his jacket pocket. Might as well go and meet Makoto as anything else, then. He had a second thought, though, and fished his phone back out of the pocket to send a quick message.

* * *

**To:** Rin (rinmatsuoka )

**Subject**: Re: (blank)

**Date**: 09-09-2013 19:42

Go to bed, I can tell you're exhausted even through the cell phone.

* * *

That done, he returned the phone to his pocket and set off on the long walk to that park.


	13. Tuesday Part Four

He made it to the bench well before Haruka did, and sat for a while, lost in thought. It was a little bit chilly out tonight, and Makoto couldn't help but wonder what, exactly, he was doing out here.

_Looking for Haruka_, his mind supplied readily enough, but it wasn't really a sufficient answer. He stared sightlessly across the park, considering.

_Looking for Haruka because Rin had asked him to_, he tried, but that had a ring of falseness to it even inside of his head. He would look for Haruka even if Rin was still in America. Makoto's head fell back against the hard edge of the bench and he looked up into the night sky. He was looking for Haruka because he _wanted_ to look for Haruka, but that was a deeply uncomfortable thought, and he shied away from it, looking for another answer.

In all honesty, he should be at home right now. It was starting to get late and he had school tomorrow; he had no guarantee Haruka would even show up at this park bench. With that thought, his head rose and he scanned the area around him quickly: it remained resolutely empty. He groaned quietly and scrubbed at his face with the back of one hand. This was so stupid. Again, his mind returned to that question – what was he _doing_ here?

When he let himself feel the answer, rather than trying to deny it, it came easily. And it was a simple one: Makoto wanted to know - more than anything, Makoto wanted _answers_. He would put up with many late nights and worse to understand _why_ Haruka had left him behind, what he could ever have done unknowingly to merit such abandonment. He would…

His thoughts trailed off as he splayed a hand against the empty seat of the park bench beside him. There was the distant grind of traffic behind him, and he slumped, thinking of people driving away, people with places to go, people to see…

"Hey," Haruka's voice called out some time later, and Makoto started back to alertness. He'd almost been dozing.

"Evening," he said, voice a little hoarse. He gestured to the bench. "Would you rather sit, or should we walk?"

"Mm, I've been walking a while," Haruka replied, taking the seat beside Makoto. Their thighs just touched.

"I told you not to put your name online," Haruka said, apropos nothing, and Makoto gave him a quizzical look. "You shouldn't sleep on park benches either. Plus, it looks really bad for your school."

Makoto flushed. "I wasn't asleep," He rebutted hotly, but Haruka just shrugged.

"Whatever you say." And just like that, the conversation died. They were both silent for a long and awkward moment.

"So you wanted to-"

"I don't understand why you-"

Both spoke at once, and Makoto laughed. "You go first," he said, feeling back on solid ground, and Haruka nodded.

"You wanted to meet?" He asked. Makoto shrugged.

"Well, really, it was Rin."

"He came to find you?"

"To… find you," Makoto replied. This was as good a lead as any into what he wanted so desperately to ask, but now that the moment had come, he was unwilling to broach the subject. "Haruka…. What's going on between you two?"

He saw Haruka's hands ball up where they rested on his thighs, saw him turn his head sharply to the side as to shake off the question. But Makoto could not have expected the raw pain in Haruka's voice as he replied, the normally level tone suffused with real anguish.

"…Rin… in America… he doesn't…" Haruka said disjointedly, as though he had to force the words out. "There, I'm in his way." He turned to Makoto, hands clenched so tight they were stark white in the streetlight, eyes wide and blue, oh so blue. "In _everyone's_ way, Makoto. My parents – you – Rin." his eyes glistened and Makoto had the horrible thought that he was actually going to cry, but those hands just clenched impossibly tighter around the fabric of his jeans, painfully tight. "I just make things… difficult." His hands relaxed slightly and he looked down at his lap, as though saying that last line had snapped a rubber band inside him. Makoto couldn't help but be relieved, in a very hidden part of his heart, to have that shockingly blue gaze torn from his own.

Slowly, very slowly, he wrapped an arm around Haruka's shoulder and turned his own gaze back to the sky, dropping his head back against the hard edge of the bench.

Slowly, Haruka's shoulders tensed and relaxed again under his touch.

Slowly, he heard Haruka exhale, a little shakily, clearly embarrassed. "I – I'm sorry to say all this…" he muttered, but when he made to stand Makoto gave in to his own feelings and just held on tighter, kept his arm wrapped around Haruka's shoulder.

"Where are you going?" He asked, keeping his eyes on the skies above. Makoto was so incredibly full of emotion just then – confusion, anger, grief, wonder, pain: he almost feared to look anywhere but up, as though he was a child again, swimming backstroke against the fear of that _thing_ in the depths. The sky was safe, and Haruka obediently settled back into the park bench.

"…it's embarrassing. I shouldn't bother you with these," he waved a hand in the air dismissively, an expressive gesture for such a reserved person, "these, problems. They aren't your problems."

"But don't you think you owe me _some_ explanation?" Makoto replied. Haruka was silent, and Makoto thought back to the last time they'd sat on this bench, in a very similar situation. _Saturday_. Three days seemed like a lifetime ago. "You wanted to take it slow," he recalled. "That's okay, Haruka. We can go slow. But this_,_" he paused, trying to word it in a non-hurtful way, trying to express the thought without his own emotions clouding the matter, "this drama, with Rin and everything, I think it's too much." He felt Haruka tense again against his arm, but Makoto just shrugged. "I want to talk to you, Haruka, about" _everything _"whatever you want, but I really think you should call him, first. At least tell him where you are." Makoto pushed aside unworthy jealously and focused instead on the worry in Rin's eyes as he'd asked _where's Haruka_? He knew that feeling too well, it wasn't one he'd wish on a mortal enemy. "Give him a call and I'll listen."

"He'll interrupt us," Haruka said, but Makoto somehow knew that he'd won this particular battle. Sure enough, Haruka was soon digging out his cell phone and dialing a long number.

"…hey, Rin," Haruka said, and Makoto, acting almost on instinct, curled his arm tighter around Haru's shoulder in support. He couldn't hear Rin's end of the conversation at all. "…no, I'm at a park – uh, no, I don't remember – no I _don't_, really – Makoto? What's this park called?"

"Bonboniere."

"What? Really? Oh, no, Makoto's just messing with me – it's the one by the old ice cream – yeah – yeah. No…" Haru went silent for a long while. "Yeah, tonight – Rin, of course I have a key, it's _my house_ – see you there." A brief pause. "You too." He hung up, and didn't say anything.

"So?" Makoto finally prompted.

"I'm going to – he's going to – _fuck_," Haruka said. This time, his hands didn't clench, they sprawled bonelessly in his lap. "He's really…" he scrubbed a hand across his face, unknowingly echoing Makoto's earlier gesture.

"In love with you?" Makoto asked wryly, but Haruka flushed and went tense again against Makoto's arm, which still held him tightly – Makoto had forgotten. He loosened his grip a little.

"Maybe. Right now he's just pissed."

_That's understandable_, Makoto thought – but didn't say. Instead, he stood. "I'll walk you home."

"What?" Haruka said blankly, staring up at him in confusion. "Why?"

Makoto pursed his lips. "To walk with you, I guess? It's mostly along the way." He didn't add, _because I'm worried about you_.

"…oh. Makes sense." Haruka stood. "You haven't gotten your explanation, though."

Makoto shrugged, already starting to head towards Haruka's place. "It's late now anyway. I have school tomorrow."

"Still…" Haruka said. Makoto looked over at the other man, who'd taken his cell phone from his pocket and was fiddling with it. If Makoto hadn't known better, he'd have sworn Haruka was nervous. "I owe you one. You're right about that."

"You'll tell me though, right?" Makoto said. He didn't want to voice the _say you won't just take off again, please don't do that to me again_ but Haruka seemed to understand, nodding with more than usual gravitas.

"I will."

The park wasn't actually that far from Haruka's house, and they were already approaching the steps that led up to it. Makoto stopped, figuring it would be a bit much to walk Haruka _all_ the way back, and Haruka paused and looked at him for a moment when Makoto stopped.

"Makoto-" his blue eyes shone bright in the streetlight, and Makoto was lost. "Thank you." Haruka turned and headed off to his old house. Makoto started walking to his apartment, cursing himself for the greatest fool ever to roam the earth.


	14. Wednesday Part One

Rin was waiting for him outside the door to his house, slouched against the wall like a comic book delinquent – he even had the hood of his hoodie pulled up. Haruka went up to him.

"Rin," he said by way of greeting, and Rin peeled himself off the wall, looking at Haruka mutely. "You look like shit," Haruka added conversationally. Rin grabbed his shoulders and pulled Haruka close to his chest, burying his face in Haruka's shoulder, fingers hard.

"Thanks," he muttered. "I love you too."

Haruka raised his own arms to wrap around Rin, bonking his head against Rin's gently. "Come on, let's go inside," he suggested, but Rin shook his head.

"Just – stay with me for a bit," he said quietly, and Haruka sighed into Rin's neck.

"Okay."

Eventually, Haruka disentangled himself from Rin and unlocked the door, though Rin still gripped his hand tightly as he went, as though he was afraid Haruka might vanish. It made it awkward to maneuver them both inside, but he eventually managed to do so.

"Go to bed," Haruka said as he took off his shoes. "Seriously, Rin – have you slept this week?"

"Hardly," Rin said. He kicked off his own shoes. "How can you even ask me that?" He closed the distance, pushing Haruka back against the wall, still in the entryway. He was a little taller than Haruka, and his mood seemed to be rapidly switching over from _clingy_ to _right pissed_. Haruka looked down at the floor to avoid those accusing eyes.

"…I didn't ask you to follow me," he said after a moment.

"You didn't-!" Rin exclaimed. He smacked the wall beside Haruka's head with one palm. "Seriously? You just take off and – what – expect me to go back to practise like nothing happened? You son of a bitch!" he almost-shouted.

"Rin…" Haruka said. He raised a hand to grasp Rin's against the wall and looked up to meet the other man's gaze. Rin took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Why did you go?" Rin asked, desperately.

"I told you," Haruka replied quietly. "I'm not living there anymore."

"That doesn't mean you have to fucking _take off-"_

"It does!" Haruka said forcefully. "If I just said it, and didn't leave, what would that say about me? I _told_ you I was going, and _you_ left, so – so I left," he finished.

"I left to go for a fucking walk around the block!" Rin spluttered. "Not across the planet!"

"I called you," Haruka said. "I didn't just _leave_. And you ignored me."

"Because who expects their boyfriend to just leave the goddamn country!" Rin said, voice raising again in anger. "That isn't _normal_, Haruka!"

"I didn't just leave," Haruka repeated. "I told you, and then I called you. And then I packed, and then it took a while to find a flight…"

"Fuck…" Rin breathed.

"You swear too much," Haruka pointed out. Rin stared at him.

"_Seriously? _That's what you take from this? That I swear too much? Just so you know, _princess_, I've been up for over twenty four hours now, trying to find you. So thanks, I appreciate your criticism, really."

Haruka looked down at the floor again. "…Sorry," he finally said. "I really think you should sleep, though, if you've been up that long."

Rin leaned over so that their heads were touching. "If you come with me."

"I'm not going back to America," Haruka replied. "You can't convince me that way."

"Fuck America!" Rin exclaimed angrily. "Just, fuck, Haruka, come to bed with me. We can – discuss – this in the morning."

"…fine," Haruka said. He leaned up slightly and gave Rin a kiss. "Lead the way."

In truth, it had been a long time since Rin was in this house, and Haruka had to lead the way after Rin had made the second wrong turn. When they made it to the correct bedroom, Rin sprawled out on the bed without undressing and opened his arms for Haruka.

"Demanding," Haruka commented. "Don't you want to undress?"

"No," Rin said. "Tired. Come to bed."

"At least take your jeans off," Haruka replied.

Rin just stared at him, but at least he'd pulled the hood down. Haruka undressed, but when he went to grab pajama bottoms, Rin stopped him.

"No, naked," he said.

"…demanding!" Haruka said again. "Not if you're wearing jeans." He slipped the pajama bottoms on in his own good time, truthfully a little annoyed at Rin. Who sleeps in jeans? It was bizarre… but when he turned around to voice that thought, he saw that Rin was already asleep atop the covers of the bed, leaning against the wall at an angle that would hurt like hell tomorrow morning.

When Rin awoke the next morning, he was aware of two strange, conflicting things almost at once: he was lying in a bed that definitely _wasn't_ his, it felt all wrong. And there was a smell of frying fish permeating the room.

"What..?" he muttered aloud, trying to piece it together.

As his eyes took in the room around him – Haruka's old room? – the situation snapped into place abruptly. He swung his legs off from the bed, noted that he was naked save for underwear, didn't let that stop him. "Where'd my clothes go…" he asked the room, which didn't answer. He stepped out into the hallway. "Haruka?"

Haruka appeared after a few moments, looking fresh and composed. "Morning, Rin."

"Morning," Rin said out of habit. "Where're my clothes?"

"In the wash, they were gross," Haruka said calmly. "You look way better this morning."

"Thanks?" Rin replied. "How long did I sleep?" Haruka turned, presumably to return to the kitchen, and Rin followed, still almost naked. He felt pretty self-conscious about it, in what was really a stranger's house, but Haruka didn't seem to care. And it didn't seem very likely that Haruka's parents would choose this morning of all mornings to show up unannounced.

"It's nine thirty now," Haruka replied. "So a little over twelve hours."

"It helped," Rin said. "Are you frying mackerel for breakfast?"

"Mm," Haruka confirmed.

"…that's not normal," Rin said, shaking his head. "How much of that have you eaten since you got back here?"

"I couldn't find it before," Haruka replied, dodging the question. Rin rolled his eyes and stretched languidly, not missing the way Haruka's eyes followed the movements. He grinned, baring his teeth. "Miss me?"

"…mm," Haruka said, and then to Rin's surprise: "Yeah, I did. But I'm not – "

"-Going back to America, yeah, I got it." Rin held up a hand. "Speaking of, what do you plan on doing instead?"

Haruka was silent as he served the fish with rice and coffee; the flavours did not mix very well. "I'll find a job here," he eventually said.

"Doing?" Rin asked. He was annoyed at this response, for some reason.

"I don't know yet," Haruka said. He poked at his fish. "I don't see how it's any of your concern."

Rin narrowed his eyes at Haruka. "Are you trying to be cruel?" he said quietly. "We've been together five years now, Haruka; I came after you just yesterday because I was worried sick about you, and you ask how it's any of my concern?"

"But I told you already-"

"_I know_," Rin said forcefully. "Haru, forget about that for now."

"I can't," Haruka replied, just as quietly. He stared down at the plate before him as though he was seeing something very different. "Can't forget it, Rin, because you're going back there and I'm – I'm not. So that's why…" he suddenly seemed to refocus on the plate and took a large bite of rice. Rin shook his head.

"If you really feel that strongly about it, I can-"

"Don't even say that," Haruka said, shaking his head. "You love it."

And the worst part, Rin thought, was that Haru was right: he _did_ love it. He'd always had a sense of adventure an order of magnitude (or three) larger than Haruka did, and now that he'd found success in swimming – real, international success – any remaining inhibitions had been ripped away. He enjoyed his life, enjoyed travelling to competitions, and even enjoyed the demanding schedule of the past few years. And most of all, he enjoyed _winning_, which had lately been coming in spades.

But Haruka had never been that way, had always been the one to resist change, only swam for his own inherent enjoyment. Rin had known, deep down, that Haruka wasn't really happy, but it had been easy enough to push that aside when everything else was going so well. As he stared at the person across the table, though, it came to Rin that Haruka hadn't been unhappy, he'd been _miserable_.

"Haru…" he said, reaching out across the table the take Haruka's hand. "I'll do it, if you want to stay here. I – maybe I can get a good sponsorship…"

"That's crazy," Haruka said flatly. He curled his fingers around Rin's.

"Then I'll coach-"

"And stop swimming yourself?" Haruka pushed his plate aside, taking Rin's other hand in his, staring into Rin's eyes earnestly. "How long would you be happy, Rin? If you gave up on your dream because of me?"

"I'm not giving up on _you_, either," Rin said with some force. He took a bite of mackerel and then a drink of coffee and almost gagged, they _seriously_ did not mix well together. It broke the tension, though, and Haruka leaned back.

"I think you should think about it." He inhaled and exhaled deeply, and a buzzer ringed. "Oh, that's the dryer." Haruka stood to get it.

"Nope, not even thinking about that." Rin shook his head. "We can keep talking about this later, but for now, I'd _really_ like some clothes before we have another deep, emotional conversation."

"If you insist."


	15. Wednesday Part Two

It was a little after lunchtime that Haruka noticed the incongruity.

"Hey, what about your stuff?" he asked Rin, who had been looking interestedly around Haruka's house for the past little while. It was strange for the two of them to just… be together, calmly like this without school or Rin's training schedule getting in the way.

"I just have the backpack," Rin replied with a shrug, gesturing to the bag he'd dropped in the entryway the night before. Haruka had somehow not noticed it, probably because of the dark and, well, everything going on at the time. "I could only get a week off, and I figured mom would still have a bunch of my old stuff – _shit," _he suddenly added vehemently.

"What?" Haruka asked, alarmed. He had been washing dishes, but looked up in concern at this remark.

"I forgot about Kou – I emailed her yesterday, she's probably freaking out by now." Rin started fumbling for his cell phone but it wasn't in either of his pockets. "Did you see my phone?"

"Yeah, I took it out before I put your clothes in the wash, it's by the bed." Haruka replied calmly, returning to the dishes.

"Ah, thanks." Rin bounded up the stairs two at a time and then Haruka distantly heard him looking for the phone. "Where, oh, here, but it's dead…" The sound of steps returning downstairs, slower now, and Rin started rooting through his backpack. "Do you think the plug will fit?"

"I think so," Haruka allowed. "Mine did." He pulled the plug on the drain and dried his hands. _All clean_.

Rin finally found the cord for his phone and went to find an outlet. "Nope, one of the prongs is too big, it won't go in."

Haruka crouched next to him and looked: sure enough, it wouldn't fit. "You can use my phone," he suggested, but Rin shook his head.

"Nah, I'll just go and see her, she should be at mom's place. I'll call it a surprise," he said dryly. Haruka smiled.

"Have fun," he said, standing, but Rin frowned at him.

"Aren't you going to come with me?"

Haruka didn't reply, and Rin stood to face him, still frowning. "Kou will-"

"Kou isn't the problem," Haruka interrupted. "You _know_ that, don't be stupid."

Rin rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you still can't get along with a nice old lady like my mom."

"…whatever." Haruka replied. He went back to the kitchen and started looking for a cloth to dry the dishes, just to have something to occupy his hands. "Go have a nice visit with your family."

"You should come," Rin practically purred into his ear, making Haruka jump – he'd snuck up behind him. Rin wrapped his arms around Haruka's chest and whispered into his ear. "You should, you should, you _should…"_

"No," Haruka said calmly, continuing to dry the mug he held with probably much more force than the poor thing deserved.

"Yes, you shoooooould," Rin licked the shell of his ear lightly, pulling at Haruka so that his chest was pressed up firmly against Haruka's back.

"No…" Haruka said, but he set the mug down on the counter. He should never have let on about how good it felt to have his earlobes kissed just like that. And it had been days, and he'd missed Rin much more than he would ever let on, and he was suddenly, stupidly aroused. Rin's arms felt so good and his chest was so warm and he smelled like the shower he'd taken after breakfast, clean with just a little bit of Rin underneath.

"Well, if you say so," Rin said cheerily, and all of a sudden the arms holding Haruka to that hard chest were gone, as was the chest. He sagged, then whirled, but Rin was already (how?) at the entranceway, pulling on his shoes.

"What-"

"I'll just go for a quick visit," Rin said, and Haruka wasn't stupid, he _knew_ this was a ploy to make Haruka go after him but damn if it wasn't working. He only just stopped himself from calling out for Rin to wait. "You won't take off while I'm gone, right? I'm depending on you!" And then he stepped through the door and left.

* * *

"But you're sure he's alright?" Kou whispered to him when their mother got up for tea.

Truthfully – he wasn't at all sure that when he got back to Haruka's place, it wouldn't be empty and locked up; that Haruka wouldn't have taken it into his head to travel to Fukuoka or Tokyo or maybe Canada. That was unlikely in the extreme, but he would have said the same thing about _this_ situation a week ago.

More likely, and he wasn't about to tell his sister this, he thought that Haruka and Makoto – but he pushed that thought away. He trusted Haruka, even if that trust had been very seriously shaken. Maybe it was more accurate to say that although he didn't comprehend his boyfriend's actions sometimes, it didn't imply that Haruka was going to start sleeping with other guys on a whim. It would be totally out of character. Still, last night's words came back to him vividly – _Because who expects their boyfriend to just leave the goddamn country! That isn't normal, Haruka!_ – and he couldn't feel totally at ease with his understanding of Haruka's character.

Of course, neither of those were what Kou, staring at him worriedly, had actually asked. Was Haruka alright? Rin thought back to this morning, to how contentedly he'd been frying that mackerel and to hell with good taste, and his mind conjured up a contrasting memory from a few weeks back.

_He's about to be late for the morning seminar _again_, the second time this month, and to make matters worse the professor had wanted to talk with him about his latest paper before the class started. Haru stays in bed and watches him getting ready, and Rin really, really wants to get back in under the duvet and just lie down for a few more hours. But there is class, and then a lunchtime meeting with a study partner, and then more class, and then practise – so he just leans over to give Haru a quick kiss before taking off. "I'll see you tonight," he promises, with no idea how Haruka will fill his own day._

"I think he's better here, actually," Rin said, with a slightly self-deprecating grin. Kou did not look reassured, but before she could speak up, their mother had come back in. She settled right beside Rin on the couch, beaming at him.

"I'm so happy you're home, Rin," she announced, and passed him a cup. "I was just telling Kou the other day about that last email you sent about that history course…"

Rin passed a pretty cheerful few hours with his mother and sister, and did not dwell on the fact that his mother didn't bring up Haruka's name once. When he left, after promising to come back for dinner the next day, Gou walked with him towards Haruka's place, a worried look on her face that hadn't quite disappeared the whole visit. It was almost dinner time, and the streets were full of people leaving work and school.

"What do you mean, you think he's better here?" she asked. "Is he staying here? What are you going to do?"

"I don't know, Kou," he replied. "We haven't sorted it all out. Do you have to go all Spanish Inquisition on me? Don't you have muscles to study or something?"

Gou frowned. "What's the Spanish – no, better question, don't _you_ have homework to do? Mom might be too happy to notice, but you just left university in the middle of term – that's not a problem?"

Rin increased his pace, hoping to leave her behind – it was a childish tactic and didn't work anyway. "It's fine," he said shortly.

"It's fine?!" she spluttered. "Right, 'cause when you get kicked out, I think she'll notice _that-_"

"Kou," he said, stopping and turning to look at her. "Stop it. It's fine. I am taking care of the problems in my own life."

"Hmph," she said. "It doesn't seem like you're doing such a great job."

He jerked and continued on his way, ignoring that.

"Rin, wait, I'm sorry-"

He ignored that too. He reached the steps going up to Haruka's place and started running up them, leaving Gou behind; sometimes all the exercise he got had excellent real-world benefits. He made it to Haruka's place in record time and opened the door – it was unlocked.

"Haruka?" He called. But the lights were off and Haruka's shoes were not by the door.

All possibilities seemed to hit Rin in one moment, almost making him stagger: Haruka had abandoned him _again_. Haruka had just gone out for some groceries. Haruka had been murdered by people who preyed on unlocked doors. Haruka had gone out for a swim. For one moment, all possibilities hung before Rin, each equally possible, every future open to him.

Then he saw the note left on the table and laughed at himself. So Haru had really just gone for some groceries or something.

_Rin,_

_Left the door unlocked for you, I'll have to get a spare key, that's annoying. _

_I'm going out for dinner with Makoto. See you tonight._

_Haruka_


	16. Wednesday Part Three

Rin didn't want to think it, didn't want to let it be true, but the knowledge had been growing in his heart for months, had been festering low in his gut like a weed. It was cold and unpleasant and hateful so he had tried to ignore it, to deny it, but it wouldn't be treated such.

Haruka was drifting apart from him.

This knowledge that he'd been trying so hard, so _fucking_ hard, to deny attacked him. It didn't surge up in his throat, or numb him, or any such visceral thing. Instead it whispered seductively to him, bringing up the memories of the past five years, distorting them, recasting the happy times so that the characters were macabre and false. Seen in this light, the light in Haruka's eyes

_I know you've got it in you, Rin! You've been working on this project for three weeks, don't give up now, it's almost done_

Wasn't determined but mocking. The smile on his face

_I heard about a water park a little bit outside of town, I think we should go and try it_

Was a falsehood that betrayed the rot underneath. And his hands

_Whispering over Rin's in the darkness, skimming over his ribcage, and Rin can see the blue of his eyes even now. 'Welcome home,' he says quietly, and Rin sighs with the simple animal pleasure of having someone warm to come home to_

Were a whore's.

_I'm going out for dinner with Makoto. See you tonight._

Rin took a deep breath, trying to centre himself: on some level he knew this was an overreaction but he'd never been good at shutting this part of himself down, at talking himself back from the precipice. He could hear Kou catching up to him – "Rin! Wait, Rin!" – and made the decision to leave before she could catch him, grabbing his cell phone from where it's still plugged into the wall. The memory hurt, Haru crouching next to him to check the prongs on the plug, and the _ what-if_ - if he hadn't played that stupid game with Haru before he left –

But he'd asked Haruka to _stay here_, for fuck's sake, and couldn't that guy do anything, anything at all that Rin asked of him, just once –

The next moment he was out the door, catching a glimpse of Kou as she pounded up the last few steps towards Haru's place, and Rin really didn't want to deal with that just at the moment so he ducked around the corner to avoid her. "Rin!" he heard her calling, but it was pretty easy to walk away, turning on his phone as he went.

He'll text her in a moment, when he has collected himself. When he doesn't –

The last time Rin felt this way was after that state tournament, where he'd taken silver and been pissed, so goddamn frustrated with himself and the world that it had just boiled over. He'd been mostly content, the last few years, and when he hadn't been content he'd been working too hard to get frustrated, was burning off all of his excess energy (and then some) every day. But today it was like the past few years hadn't happened: he was seventeen again, and he hadn't yet found his place, and every time he saw Haru it was a knife and he hated everything -

He picked a bench at random that should be far enough from Haruka's place and sat down, thumbing through the updates on his phone. At some point – overnight? – and without realizing it, he'd internally readjusted to Japanese, and the English status updates, emails, texts seemed weird and out-of-place on this quiet street.

There was nothing from Haruka.

He hadn't realized he'd been expecting it, but he had. A lassitude came over him, ebbing in as the anger poured out: Rin felt like the calm after the storm.

"Rin?" he heard Kou calling as she came his way, and he couldn't muster up the energy to keep fleeing her, so he stayed still. "What – are you – doing!" she exclaimed. She was out of breath, panting.

He didn't answer – any smart ass answer ("checking my emails," "sitting on a bench") would just irritate her. She seemed to understand in some way, because instead of saying anything else she just sat next to him on the bench, quietly looking at him.

Kou had always been kind of smart that way.

"Is it Haruka?" she finally said, and Rin shrugged. She paused to consider, and when she did speak, it was hesitant, as though she was trying to find exactly the right words.

"I saw a note," she voiced. "On the table at Haruka's place. Rin, are you…" she bit her lip, "…don't get angry at me, I'm just _asking_ – but are you sure everything's okay, there?" When Rin didn't immediately answer she quickly added, "Just because, well, the note said Makoto – and, ah, you know…"

Rin didn't know, and he cocked his head at her inquiringly. "What about Makoto?"

"Um! You two… had a falling out… right?"

_The music is too loud but Rin doesn't care 'cause he's had about three drinks too many. It's somewhere past midnight and there's a heavy tiredness in the back of his head, and he knows that all it'll take is a minute sitting too long and he'll be out of it, but he really doesn't want that so he just keeps at it. A cute girl's been flirting with him, bolder and bolder as the night goes on, but he's very much not interested, and Haruka disappeared somewhere a while ago (much more interesting) so he takes off to look for him, making some lame excuse to the girl. On the third floor of the house the music is much quieter, almost subtle, and it's ahead that he hears it – the quiet, earnest voices._

"…_it, Makoto."_

"_But you're – sorry, Haru-chan, I don't really get it."_

"_Is it that complicated?"_

_And Rin has had quite enough of _this_ conversation, thank-you-very-much, so he steps in boldly. Makoto jerks back from where he's been standing next to Haruka with a guilty look, and Rin steps in to take the spot, wedging himself between them, taking Haruka's arm. His intention could not be more clear. _

"_Let's go downstairs, Haru-_chan_," he emphasizes, and Haruka doesn't disagree._

"You could say that."

"Well, when you and Haruka left for America a few years ago… he… didn't take it very well."

"Didn't he," Rin said. "What a shame."

"Don't be cruel!" she snapped at him. "I know it was your fault, so don't-"

"My fault?" he spluttered. "How could it be my fault? I wasn't even here!"

"No, and neither was Haruka, _because of you_, and Makoto and Haruka had, I don't know, an argument or something, and then you two left, and they've never patched things up and I'm _sure_ that's also _because of you."_

"You're crazy," Rin said emphatically.

"Oh, so you're not jealous?" Kou asked slyly.

"What do I have to be jealous of? Naptime?"

She stood and glared down at him, and Rin felt a little bad. After all, she had been the one here in Iwatobi the whole time, and she and Makoto were friends. Before he could open his mouth to apologize, however, she was speaking.

"Matsuoka Rin, I don't want to hear one – more – word against Makoto from you. He's a good guy, and a great friend, and it's your problem if you can't see that. I don't understand what the hell your problem is with him, but if you and Haruka can't sort it out then I think you should just leave him alone!" She whirled and stalked away, and Rin had a thought – a _crazy thought _– that his sister had a thing for Makoto.

That… was too much to process right now, so he sent a message to Haruka. It took a while to figure out what he wanted to say.

_Can I come_ was needy.

_I haven't eaten, I'll join you_ was annoying.

_Anything good?_ was passive-aggressive, which Rin was definitely not.

* * *

**To**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: Dinner

**Date**: 09-10-2013 17:15

Where?

* * *

He wasn't expecting any kind of prompt response, which left the evening open to him. He considered going after Kou – because seriously, how the hell was Haruka and Makoto arguing (though he had no problems with that) his fault? For his part, he tried to avoid Makoto in conversation, which wasn't hard to do.

…maybe he _was _a little bit jealous, just a tiny bit. Even admitting that was hard, because really, what did Makoto have that Rin didn't? If anything, Makoto should be jealous of him.

His phone beeped at him unexpectedly.

* * *

**From**: Haru (nanase1987 .jp)

**Subject**: Re: Dinner

**Date**: 09-10-2013 17:20

We're just wandering around now, Nagisa wants to meet us at the McDonalds downtown.

A twelve hour plane ride to go to McDonalds…

* * *

Rin pocketed the phone and stood. He'd go toMcDonald's, then. It would be good to see Nagisa, even though the food was… a questionable choice at best.


	17. Wednesday Part Four

They were waiting for Nagisa to show up (with his "surprise," he'd announced, gleeful even via email) at the McDonalds when Makoto brought it up.

"So, um, Haru…" he started, fiddling with the mostly-empty cup in his hands. On this quiet Wednesday evening, the restaurant is mostly empty, save for a rambunctious family on the other side of the room and an old man drinking a small coffee.

"Yeah?" Haruka asked. Under the fluorescent lights he looked pale, washed out, and there was a light smudge under each of his eyes that told Makoto he hadn't been sleeping well. He almost regretted saying anything at all, but remembered the text Gou had sent him a few minutes earlier –

* * *

**From**: Kou ( .kou )

**Subject**: Miserable people who can't just let other people be happy

**Date**: 09-10-2013 17:15

Makoto, if any _jerks_ happen to show up in your life, _don't listen to them_, they are just being _petty_. Believe in yourself and do what makes you happy!

* * *

- a little strange perhaps, but Kou had always been… enthusiastic. And he thought she was even right: it would make him a little happier to speak up. He texted her back quickly – "Are you OK?" – before Haruka turned the same question on him.

"You okay, Makoto?" Haruka asked, and he realized he'd just gone silent. Makoto flushed a little.

"I… I've been thinking, um… you remember when we graduated school?"

"High school?" Haruka clarified.

"Yeah." He had to consider what he wanted to say. He wanted to ask Haruka _why he had left_, but that was such a personal question, so ill-suited to this bright fast food joint. A question that crept up to you at night, that left you tossing and turning and wondering, shouldn't be exposed to the artificial daylight like this, shouldn't make its way into a world where just across the room a five year old was shoving French fries into his brother's face. It was to rob it of the potency that had dogged Makoto for much of his adult life.

"Makoto? Are you sure you're okay?" Now Haruka sounded worried, and nudged a little closer to him, inspecting his face carefully. Makoto realized he'd just gone silent again. "Did you have a rough day at work?"

"Yeah! No, it was fine, really." He gestured, forgetting the cup was in his hand, and some of the coke inside sloshed out and onto his arm. "Oh – darn – "

"Ah, here's a napkin," Haruka said, handing him a handful of them, and Makoto wiped down his sleeve. His face was now flaming red with embarrassment, and Haruka looked really concerned. Makoto carefully set the cup down.

"I'm okay-"

"You're obviously not," Haruka replied with some frustration.

"…no." Makoto said. His face was really distractingly warm. "I guess I'm not." His phone buzzed and he grabbed at it, pathetically grateful for the distraction.

* * *

**From**: Kou ( .kou )

**Subject**: Re: Miserable people who can't just let other people be happy

**Date**: 09-10-2013 17:20

Yeah. Just had a bad experience I guess. Sorry to bug you. Nagisa just texted me to say he's meeting you at McDonalds, I think I'll join you if you don't mind. Havne't gotten together with you all in ages!

* * *

"What's wrong, then?" Haruka asked, and Makoto looked over to him and positively ached to tell him everything.

He could just move over and kiss Haruka. They were only a few inches apart, now, it wouldn't be hard. He'd just lean over and kiss him, and then they'd leave the McDonald's, and take a walk along the beach. He'd tell Haruka everything, how lonely he had been, and how he'd tried to get over Haruka, and that disastrous relationship he'd had with, well, a couple of people, and in return Haruka would hold his hand as they walked over the sand and explain it all. He'd left Makoto for some good reason, and now that he was back, he was never going to leave again…

He could just move over and kiss Haruka.

But that was a fantasy.

"Have you not been sleeping?" Haruka said, like he was trying to puzzle out a riddle.

"No, I – I mean, I have been sleeping alright. That's not it." If only Haruka would stop _looking_ at him like that.

"And you said work is okay," Haruka said slowly. "Um, is it… are you having problems with your family, maybe?"

"No – nothing is wrong." Makoto sighed. "Just – okay. When we graduated high school. I was wondering when you decided you'd –"

"Makoto-chan!" he heard someone call, and the question ("when you decided you'd go with Rin") died stillborn on his lips. "Who's that with you? Hey Rei-chan, there's – _Haruka?!_"

So Rei was Nagisa's surprise, Makoto surmised. It made sense, he wasn't around very often since graduating high school and leaving for university in Tokyo, but it was always good to see him. Nagisa, though, had stopped right in the middle of the McDonald's, and Makoto had a niggling feeling that he'd forgotten to do something – something _important_ –

Oh, right. He hadn't told Nagisa that Haruka had decided to splash right back into their lives. Oops.

"Haruka…" Nagisa said wonderingly.

"Haruka-san," Rei said, with rather more reserve.

"Hey, you guys," Makoto said winningly, gesturing to the booth seats. "Long time no see, come sit down?" They were beginning to attract some looks, just standing there and staring like that.

"What are you doing here? I mean, when did you get here?" Nagisa started asking as they took their seats.

"I…" Haruka actually looked sort of taken aback at the blunt questions, Makoto noticed, but he listened closely for the answer himself and saw Rei doing likewise. "Well… I arrived here last week…"

Nagisa looked a little hurt (presumably because Haruka hadn't told him when he arrived), but didn't say anything. Rei picked up the conversation. "So you're visiting here? With Rin-san?"

"No." Haruka took a deep breath. "I'm moving back."

Makoto started: it was somehow very _final_ to hear Haruka say it like that. _I'm moving back_. Haruka was the sort of person who, once their mind was made up, inexorably achieved what they had decided; he wouldn't say that and then leave. Makoto felt a tiny tendril of something – hope? Relief? Start to blossom in his chest, but pushed it down, because Haruka hadn't said _I'm breaking up with Rin_ or even _I'm sorry I left in the first place_.

But still, a Haruka in Japan _had_ to be better than a Haruka overseas.

"No way!" Nagisa exclaimed.

"Back to Japan? Or Iwatobi?" Rei clarified.

"…Iwatobi." Haruka said. He didn't seem to feel the need to elaborate, but the little frisson of emotion in Makoto's chest took this as a good sign. He couldn't quite bring himself to kill that hope, though he knew it would only make it harder to bear the inevitable disappointment.

"No way!" Nagisa said again. "Why? Is Rin-chan moving back too?"

"…no, I don't think so." Haruka said, rather quietly, and Makoto didn't process it at first because he was already standing up, trying to get them to stop asking questions that were obviously causing Haruka some pain.

"Why don't you guys get something to eat?" He said cheerily, and then the meaning of Haruka's words started to coalesce in his minds. _Rin wasn't staying_.

"Okay, I want a Big Mac, but you're not going to dissuade me that easily, Makoto-chan!" Nagisa said sunnily, and Rei went as well, giving Makoto an unimpressed look.

Kou caught up to him (unintentionally) outside the fast food joint, and would have walked on past if it weren't for the distinctive red hair that made Rin hard to miss. Still irritated by the conversation about Makoto, she was going to _pointedly_ ignore him, but something in his demeanour stopped her.

Rin looked… forlorn. He was just standing there, looking into the bright McDonalds, like a kicked puppy. Kou had always had a soft spot for the downtrodden; her big brother was no exception. With a sigh, she stopped beside him to ask what was wrong.

She didn't end up needing to: looking into the McDonald's it was easy to see _what_ had given him this air of rejection, if not exactly _why_. Haruka, Makoto, Nagisa and – Rei? – were all inside, the first two sitting at a booth, the others setting trays down at the table. It was kind of creepy, a scene exactly like they'd stepped back in time.

Rin was just watching.

It was… kind of sad.

"Why don't we go inside?" She suggested quietly, after a few seconds of Rin silently watching the quartet inside and ignoring her. He shook his head.

"No."

"Why not?" she asked, not really understanding.

Rin didn't answer; instead, he turned and walked back the way Kou had come, back towards Haruka's place. She was torn between wanting to follow him (either to yell at him for his stupidity or comfort him, she wasn't sure which) and the friendly scene inside, but the boys inside didn't exactly seem to need her right now, and Rin definitely did. With a sign, she chased after him as he walked down the street.

"Rin!" she exclaimed when she had caught up. "…look. I think this is really stupid of you, I'm not gonna lie. But at least come home."

"What's stupid?" he replied irritably, but he turned off at the next street that lead to their house.

"Leaving Haruka and Makoto and the others like that. I don't understand."

"…I don't want to deal with them."

"_Deal_ with them? What? They're your friends-"

"They were my friends," he acknowledged. "For like, a year in high school. That's not exactly the bonds of fucking fate."

Kou almost hit him in sheer frustration. "Why are you so horrible today?"

"Look, I just don't want to have to deal with Happy Magic Funtime Hour, I just want to get Haruka and leave."

Kou stopped.

"Really?" she said quietly, and Rin sighed, stopping as well.

"Sorry. That came out really harsh. I mean-"

"No, you meant it," Kou said, and she couldn't help the tears in her eyes, though she hated them. "You just want to abandon your family again so you can run off and swim with Haruka, exactly like you've done for the past ten years. I understand."

"Kou-" he said, taken aback. "I don't want that-"

"You have _no right_ to criticize Makoto," she said emphatically, tears starting to fall down her cheeks. "Or anyone else." She pushed past him, walking quickly down the street towards home, trying to brush the tears off her cheeks without being too obvious about it.

Rin didn't follow her.


	18. Wednesday Part Five

Look, Nagisa wasn't stupid. He liked people, and he was quick to forgive and forget, but that didn't mean he didn't get hurt and learn from it. He knew he could be a little too naïve and trusting – but knowing was half the battle, right?

So when Gou-chan let slip that Haruka-chan had been in town _multiple_ times over the past few years, he was hurt, but got over it pretty quickly. Haruka-chan would have had a good reason for doing that, and anyway, now that he knew Haruka came back for New Years, he could "arrange" an impromptu visit. You couldn't get over the past by dwelling on it, after all.

When he walked in on Makoto-chan and Haruka-chan in the McDonalds unexpectedly, and Haruka said that he'd been in town a _whole week_ and hadn't gotten in touch, he was a little bit more hurt, but reminded himself of his earlier resolution to forgive-and-forget. After all, Haruka had probably been pretty busy: unpacking, and getting groceries, and getting the house in order, and on and on. It was understandable that he hadn't run out to meet old friends.

But what finally started to tip even Nagisa over the edge was Makoto-chan.

Because Nagisa wasn't stupid. And he could see the look on Makoto-chan's face.

So could Rei-chan.

"So you're moving back?" Rei brought up the topic again as they were leaving the McDonalds. Conversation had been kept to less charged subjects while they ate, such as Rei-chan's internship (demanding and unrewarding) and Makoto-chan's students (demanding and much more rewarding). But Nagisa had watched carefully as he nibbled at his fries, and even if Makoto-chan had kept the subject confined to the aging population, Nagisa would have seen the truth in their faces.

The first truth: Makoto-chan was still very, very in love with Haruka-chan.

The second truth: Makoto-chan was still very, very upset with Haruka-chan.

The third truth: Haruka-chan was oblivious to both (1) and (2), though whether through intentional blindness or not, Nagisa didn't know.

And the fourth truth: Nagisa would let hell freeze over before he let Makoto-chan get hurt again. It had been hard for everyone when Haruka-chan and Rin-chan had left like that, but for Makoto worst of all.

"Mmm," Haruka replied. They stepped out into the night, and Nagisa wished he'd thought to bring a coat, it was getting colder by the day.

"And Rin-san isn't?" Rei prompted. _Bless you_, Nagisa thought.

"I – I don't think so," Haruka said, and neither Nagisa nor Rei missed the slight stutter. Neither, apparently, did Makoto, who took the opportunity to loudly point out a cat up ahead. Nagisa internally rolled his eyes at the blond. _You know you want to hear about Rin-chan and Haruka-chan_, he tutted internally to Makoto, _so be brave, Makoto-chan! Don't try to distract us!_

When the cat had disappeared, Rei tried again. "So Rin-san is still at school?"

"No." Haruka replied. He had a look on his face like a man being forced to eat something very sour and trying to pretend he didn't notice the taste.

"No?" Rei replied, obviously startled. "Where is he, then?"

Haruka didn't answer, and Makoto came to his defence. "He's here. In Iwatobi, I mean," he added hastily, as Nagisa started to look around for Rin. "Not, you know, _here_ here."

"Haven't classes started up again over there?" Rei said with a frown, and Nagisa thought that it was so like Rei-chan to think of a detail like that.

"Mm, yeah," Haruka confirmed.

"Then why is he here?" Nagisa asked, a little concerned. _What if something's wrong? Perhaps his mother is sick? But then why would Haruka-chan say he was moving back? To look after her? But that doesn't make much sense…_

He realized that this time, Haruka wasn't answering and Makoto wasn't either. The question hung on the air, awkward between them all as they walked aimlessly down the street. _Oh, no, something really _is_ wrong, and now I've brought it up, shit, sorry Haruka-chan – and that must be why Makoto-chan kept trying to distract us -_

"Where are we going?" Haruka asked, totally deadpan, and Nagisa shook his head frantically at Rei-chan when he went to ask again about Rin-chan. _I'll explain later_, he mouthed, and thank goodness Rei-chan dropped it. If someone important to him was sick or dying, Haruka-chan didn't need to play twenty questions with them about it.

"I don't know," Makoto said, clearly grateful for a change in topic. So _he must know what's wrong_, Nagisa thought, his suspicion confirmed, _I'll ask him later_.

"I've been meaning to take Rei-chan to this store," Nagisa said as they passed an interesting looking place, "But it's closed now, we should come back tomorrow, Rei-chan."

"Okay," Rei said absently. He was still looking suspiciously at Makoto-chan and Haruka-chan.

"I should get home," Makoto said apologetically. They had stopped in front of the store and stood in a rough triangle: Nagisa beside Rei, facing Makoto and Haruka. "I have school tomorrow and there's some homework that needs to be marked. Sorry to leave so early."

"Homework for kindergarteners?!" Nagisa exclaimed. "You're harsh, Makoto-chan!" Makoto just laughed.

"We can meet up again tomorrow, though," Rei said. He had that _inquisitive_ look in his eyes, the one that told Nagisa that he was studying a problem that needed investigation, but Nagisa thought that for once he'd sussed out the answer before detective Rei could.

"For sure," Makoto replied cheerfully. "Oh – no, wait, tomorrow is the parent's night at school, I'll be there all night. Friday?"

"Okay," Nagisa said. He took Rei's arm and started pulling him away. "C'mon, Rei-chan, for us the night is yet young!" He waved goodbye to the other two. "Goodnight!"

"What are you doing?" Rei hissed at him as they walked away, leaving Haruka and Makoto to walk back to their own houses. "Did you _see_ the way Makoto was looking at him? And Haruka – I don't know what –"

But Nagisa cut him off, speaking seriously. "I can explain. See…" and he outlined his theory to Rei, feeling confident.

'Cause Nagisa wasn't stupid: Makoto still loved Haruka, but was upset with him, too: that would keep him safe from further hurt for tonight. And Haruka was too clearly preoccupied with his own big problem for Nagisa to let Rei-chan harass him with questions.

"…so we need to keep an eye out for them. _Both_ of them, Rei-chan."


	19. Wednesday Part Six

Haruka and Makoto were left standing behind as Nagisa pulled Rei away, both a little bemused.

"I forgot how much energy Nagisa has," Haruka commented, and turned towards their houses. It was the same path, after all, so Makoto followed him.

"You were going to ask me something earlier, before Nagisa and Rei came in," Haruka said as they walked, and of course Makoto remembered. The question had been dangling in his head all night.

_I was wondering when you decided you'd go with Rin_.

"It's nothing," he said in a self-deprecating tone. "I need to get home anyway."

"Don't be stupid," Haruka said pointedly. "I told you that I owe you an explanation. So just ask, and I'll tell you."

"Mm," Makoto sighed. He sat down on the curb of the street. "It's a silly question, I guess."

Haruka shrugged and sat down beside him, not saying anything.

"When did you decide you'd go with Rin?" he blurted out suddenly, and then railed internally against himself. _Idiot, that was an idiotic way to bring it up._

But Haruka answered right away. "It would have been right around the end of high school," he said thoughtfully. "It wasn't a very planned-out thing. Rin was going to study in Fukuoka and he asked me to go with him, so I did."

It was a surprisingly straightforward and honest-sounding answer, so much so that it took Makoto a few moments to properly process it. "Then… why did you go?" He asked. "On – on a whim?"

"No," Haruka replied, still sounding thoughtful. He leaned back, bracing himself against the cold concrete, to stare at the sky. It was hard to see any stars with the light pollution from Iwatobi. "It wasn't on a whim. It was…" he trailed off, seeming to consider what to say. "Makoto, why do _you_ think I left?"

"Mm?" Makoto hummed. He wasn't about to admit to the time he'd spent pondering this very question, to all the sleepless nights he'd tossed and turned. And anyway, he'd rather Haruka tell him. "It doesn't really matter why I think you did it, Haru." _And that's the sad truth._

"I think it does." Haruka turned to look at him seriously. "Will you tell me? I promise I'll tell you afterwards, but I want to hear what you think, first."

"…okay," Makoto acquiesced. He thought back to those three memories, nubby in his mind from years of handling, soft around the edges. It was hard to translate them into speech, like explaining a dream, and he was sure the flavour of them, the nuances, were lost. "I think… I think there's three reasons. That's not quite right: I think there are three events that happened that, taken together, all made you decide to leave. It's the best explanation I have.

In the first one, we're at school, in high school. It's one of the last weeks of class before graduation and we're all sitting, eating lunch, with Nagisa and Rei and Kou... it's just a normal day." _Smiling and turning back to his own lunch. Haruka has made him lunch today, which is unexpected – but nice_. "You brought me lunch that day, tuna, and I complimented it, and then we started talking about… appreciating each other." _Makoto, not fooled, ducks his head and smiles._ He had to pause for a moment, lost in the remembrance. "And then you… you were nervous, I think…" _Makoto looks at him, deciphering the flicker of emotions playing across his face as nervousness. _"You were going to ask me about something, you started to, and then Nagisa interrupted us 'cause he was trying to steal Rei's homework. And we were distracted for a bit… and when we got back to it," '_Never mind.' Haruka just lifts one shoulder in acknowledgement._ "You didn't want to talk about whatever it was anymore."

"…I see," Haruka said thoughtfully. At some point he'd returned his attention to the sky, though Makoto can't make out anything interesting to see up there. "There's three memories?"

"Yeah. I – do you remember that one?"

"Mm," Haruka neither confirms nor denies. He gestures with one hand. "Will you keep telling me?"

"Alright." Makoto sighed and realized that telling memories like this, like a story, was really awkward, but nonetheless continued. "This one… it isn't really a memory, actually. It's more like... it's my interpretation of something that happened… but from your point of view. Does that make sense?"

"So it's like _my_ memory?" Haruka asked, wrinkling his nose, and Makoto nodded.

"Exactly, except obviously it's my own creation. So anyway… this time, it's about the same time of year, springtime. And you're on your way home after school. Ah, I had to stay behind for class duties, so you're alone. And you realize that you forgot your scarf at school." Makoto's face started to heat up: this was really embarrassing, making up things like this about someone else. "So you decide to go back to class and get it." He decided to leave out 'plus, that way you can meet up with me!", because it sounded a little sad even in his head. "And anyway, you make it back and head up to the class and… you overhear something…" he flushed even brighter, glad it was dark enough to be hidden. "Um, Fujioka Marin-chan, she was the vice president of the student council then, do you remember?" _Ah crap, why did I say that, it sounds like bragging…_ "She met me after class to – to tell me that she liked me." This should not be so embarrassing. For God's sake, he was in his twenties, not twelve. "And you – overheard it and – misunderstood, I think. Because I turned her down, but I – in my memory anyway – I don't think you heard that part, just the confession. Of course!" He added hastily, "None of that is really – but you know – it's just part of how I think you decided to leave." And now he was rambling.

"Yeah, I understand," Haruka replied, unfazed. "So you think that I heard her tell you she liked you, but not that you turned her down."

"Mm, yeah, exactly," Makoto replied. There was something… a little off in Haruka's voice, somehow. Or was it his phrasing…? Before he could analyze it, Haruka was speaking again.

"And the third story? Is it a real memory, or something from me…?" He asked, to the point as always.

"No, this one is a real memory," Makoto replied. He was feeling like he'd missed something, and he wanted to revisit what Haruka had said. But Haruka was giving him a slightly impatient look and he gave in. "Okay, so in the last one, it's right at the end of high school, and I'm getting ready for university and everything. I'm – I've been worried about you for a few days." _Makoto has been worrying about Haruka for a few days, and he's determined to figure out why Haruka has been so closed off lately_. "Ah, this takes place just a little while after the second one. So I go over to your place, but it's all locked like normal, and I go in the back way. But you're not there_." The house feels empty, and when he's tried all of the rooms twice, he has to give up in defeat_. "So I texted you, just asking if you're okay and everything." He emphatically does not tell Haruka that he still has a copy of that text: it's how he can remember the date and time so accurately. "And you actually replied, quickly even, for once." He smiled. "But you didn't really say anything, just… 'Samezuka.'" He still had that text, too. "And… after that, you were quieter than before, and… that's when I think you decided to leave," he said in a bit of a rush. "I don't – it's not much of an answer, I guess. But that night I think Rin asked you to go with him, but – but I don't know why you were there, or anything… it's all I have." He heard the desperation in his own voice, raw, but couldn't hold it back, the feeling was too vivid in his mind. _It's all I have_. A pathetic assortment of make-believe stories to keep him company on lonely nights.

"I see," Haruka said, still serious, but still not revealing his own thoughts. Suddenly Makoto regretted, deeply, having revealed so much: what was he _thinking_? He almost panicked and made to stand up, but Haruka stopped him, gripping his shoulder with that deceptively strong hand. "Makoto I'm – I'm sorry. Really. I'll tell you why I left now. Thanks for telling me all of that – for your honesty – I don't deserve that." The grip eased; Makoto settled back, emotions not soothed but heightened by his desire to hear what Haruka would say next. "I was thinking, though - you have a good memory," He continued. There was a trace of a smile in his voice. "But it's wrong."

"Wrong?" Makoto asked, puzzled. The memories weren't wrong – at least, the two that were his were definitely correct. The one of Haruka, of his interpretation of Haruka, was certainly a fantasy. "You mean the second one? Where you forgot your scarf?"

Haruka tilted his head; the twinkling orange lights of an airplane high above them could be seen. "No, you're right, I did forget my scarf," he nodded. "Actually, that memory – that story? – isn't too far off from the truth." He turned his head to smile at Makoto. "You always knew me well." Haruka returned his gaze to the invisible stars. "But the whole story you just told me is wrong. It's incomplete."

Makoto felt stung and also a little indignant. Those three memories – the story, as Haruka had put it – were the only way he'd been able to grasp the past: they were his understanding of what had happened, and to have them rejected felt a little like being rejected himself. It was _his_ story.

Haruka sighed. "I'll tell you what really happened."


	20. Reminisce Three

"It was spring…" Haruka's voice softened, slipping into the rhythm of the story. "There was no swim club practice that day, and you had stayed behind for class duties, so I walked home alone. I didn't have my scarf, because I'd forgotten to take out of my locker after last period. I turned back to get it... it was stupid to go back, but it wasn't like I had any other plans for tonight. I thought that maybe I could meet up with you this way, anyway, and we could pick up some dinner on the way home.

I went inside the school and back up the stairs towards the classroom. It's funny what you remember, but I could hear sneakers squeaking, and the same few bars of music being repeated over and over by some band. It was annoying.

Then, I was standing in front of the classroom, and I went to open it but heard a voice and… I froze. I didn't want to walk in on anything awkward.

'This is such a cliché… I mean, the after school confession, right?'" Haruka imitated a higher-pitched girl's voice rather poorly, making Makoto smile. "I didn't recognize her voice but I kept listening… probably I shouldn't have.

'Hey, Marin-chan,' you said to her." This time, Haruka's voice lowered absurdly and Makoto snorted.

"I don't sound like that." He protested.

"Yeah, you do. Anyway. I could picture you two in the classroom - it really _was_ sort of a cliché. You and Marin-chan, the student council vice president. I remembered here for her dolphin mascot, do you remember that..? She was nice enough, I guess.

'Don't apologize,' you said. I… I could always tell what you meant, Makoto, you weren't the only one who could do that… and I knew that that tone meant _love_. But I couldn't interrupt then, and I knew I shouldn't keep listening, but I did anyway." He flushed a little. "And you said… 'I'm really honoured, so you shouldn't feel bad. But I … already like someone else.'" Makoto started horribly, but Haruka continued in the same soft voice.

"'Oh…' she said. She sounded really sad, I remember that. "'Can I ask who? If – if that's not too presumptuous…' But I could tell that you were smiling, not to be cruel, just that little smile of yours.

'It's a secret.'"

"But if you heard that, then why did you leave?" Makoto asked. There was a funny, rumbling feeling in his heart, like it was being shaken. Maybe it had been shaking for years and he'd finally noticed. Trying to reconcile this Haruka, who'd heard the conversation in its entirety, with his mind's Haruka who heard only the most damning, was impossible. His hands shook in beat with his heart.

"Let me finish my story," Haruka said implacably, and Makoto pressed his hands between his knees.

"Okay."

"The next one... I'm a little ashamed of. I'd made you lunch one day, and we were talking about it. You thanked me, and I said it was no problem, but… truthfully, this happened just a couple of days after I'd overheard you and that girl in the classroom. Ever since then, I'd been feeling… down. It was as though, with life opening up in front of you two, for me, it was shutting down. You were both preparing to go to university… Makoto, I hadn't even applied." His voice was very quiet. "I had no idea what I was going to do, what I even wanted to do, and you were all moving on…

So I made you lunch that day." He shrugged. "I don't know. I wanted to show you that I needed you to stay with me. And when you understood, I backed off again." A sigh. Makoto's chest tightened, and he wiped sweaty palms on his pants legs. "But I… was going to talk to you about it, that day. I'd gathered up my nerves. I even started to say something, but we were interrupted." Makoto's own memory supplied the interruption.

_"Hey so…" Haruka said, obviously hesitant, and Makoto looked at him, deciphering the flicker of emotions playing across his face as nervousness. _

_"Yeah?" He asked._

_Before Haruka could reply, they were interrupted by a commotion as Nagisa, who had finished his lunch, started rummaging through Rei's backpack. _

"I remember that." Makoto said. His mouth was dry. "What were you going to say, back then?"

"'Hey, so,'" Haruka quoted himself. "'Have you settled on a college yet? I was thinking we could be roommates.'

"But when you asked again, it was too hard to say. Because… the thought of being without you, of you being with others, was… it hurt. But I knew that that was wrong, I knew it wasn't right to hold onto one person so tightly, it couldn't be right to want to..." But he trailed off, face tight. "You're _made_ for other people, Makoto, you're the friendliest, kindest person imaginable. And I didn't want to limit you, or impede you, or whatever. And if you felt differently… well, I thought you would say something. You always knew what I really meant. So I didn't force the issue.

And I didn't think you meant me, anyway." Haruka sighed. He still looked at the stars. "The scarf thing, I mean. I thought… I didn't want to…"

"How could you think I meant anyone else?" Makoto replied, voice hoarse. Unthinking, he grabbed at Haruka's hand, pressing it tightly between his own. It was smaller than his and cold. Haruka, startled, tore his gaze from the sky and focused at Makoto, blue eyes shining with emotion. "Who did you think..?"

Haruka shrugged. "Honestly? Kou."

"_Kou_? But, wait a second – you – you – did you really think that way about me?"

"…yeah." Haruka said. He looked into the distance past Makoto, eyes bright.

"Then…" He swallowed. This was too much, too much. He pushed the overwhelmedness away, fought it back from every centimetre of his mind and face. "Then… why didn't you say anything?"

Haruka was silent for a very long time.

"I told you the truth, that I didn't want to hold you back. You were really happy to be going to university. You and Kou, you would have, _still_ would, make a good couple. And you didn't," Haruka closed his eyes and breathed in quietly. "…you never needed me, like I needed you."

That was untrue, _so untrue_, and Makoto released a deep breath, trying to be rational about this. He grasped for something he could wrap his head around. "The story's wrong. The lunch was before the scarf incident. I'm sure of it."

Haruka shrugged indifferently, but the clamminess in his hand told Makoto a different story. "I don't think so. Can I finish the story?"

There was so much Makoto had to say that it jammed up in his throat and he could only nod.

"This is the last one. It was the end of term, of their last term, and everyone was busy preparing for university – well, except for me, I guess. You and I hadn't really spoken in days.

The swim club was closed for the year so every day I just went to school and returned home. It was a little lonely but also sort of peaceful. I'd taken to texting Rin, who was just as busy as everyone else but it didn't bother me as much as – other people. Perhaps because Rin had always been more arms-length than you, so it was easier to imagine him leaving Iwatobi again.

Anyway, one of those days, Rin texts me. I'm paraphrasing, but basically: _Come and swim, you're depressing me. I know you're just going to go home and spend the afternoon in the tub and it's weird._

I didn't need any more prompting, and I left pretty much right away. Rin was waiting for me and we went in. When I went to dump my stuff in the locker room, you texted me. 'Where are you? I'm a little worried about you.'" He used the same gravelly voice for text-Makoto as real-Makoto. But I wanted to swim, and – it was difficult to think about you. So I just sent the word 'Samezuka' back. And that night, Rin asked if I'd go to Fukuoka with him.


End file.
